Is anyone capable of driving in this city?

Thank you.

2011-07-30T02:30:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog my intention was to share the funny stories, rant a little bit and get everything off my chest that way I wasn't a bundle of nerves every single night. Lately, I've been doing more ranting than anything. Sure, I needed to do it but it doesn't make very entertaining reading nor does it portray me in the best light. I really do love my job. Sure, it can get stressful at times, and yes it can be dangerous but I do it for a reason. It's something that I'm good at, but more importantly, it makes me immensely happy.

It's the people that make my job, you guys, the ones that take the bus daily (or when your car is in the shop). In our society we are naturally apt to complain about everything. When one has a bad customer service experience, they'll tell ten people about it. Whereas when one has a positive experience, they'll usually only tell about one person. Which is one of the reasons I'm so thankful that most people compliment me rather than insult me. Now it's time to write about some of those people. They deserve the recognition.

The people that stop and wait for those getting off the bus before attempting to get on. The ones that have their fares ready before they get on the bus. The ones that say thank you as they get off. The ones that give up their seats for those who needs them more. The ones that stand up for me when someone is yelling at me. The ones that have thrown themselves in front of me so I wouldn't get punched. The ones that obey traffic lights and don't run in front of my bus. The ones that tell me they need a minute to find their fare card/change, move to the side to let others on and then show me their pass, or pay even if I've already forgotten about them. The cars that yield to me when I'm trying to pull out of a bus stop. The ones who don't yell at me or demand an explanation when the bus is late. The ones that don't grumble when my bus breaks down and they need to wait half an hour for the next one. The ones who helped dig my bus out of the snow when it broke down. The ones that don't assault me or treat me like a sex object. The security and police who'll just pop in to check on me. The ones that can't afford to pay the fare but ask nicely if I'll give them a free ride and say please. The ones who don't laugh at me when my poles come off the wire. The ones that allow me to take my breaks in peace without badgering me with questions about when the bus will leave. The ones that understand that I'm only human and occasionally I'll miss a stop or make a mistake. The friends (and occasional strangers) who bring me coffee, food and flowers. The ones that understand that shit happens and occasionally I'm re-routed with no explanation. The ones that have to wait 30 minutes in sweltering heat (only to get onto a non air-conditioned bus) or in the coldest weather and don't complain.

Thank you. You all are awesome and you make my job fantastic.

I'm not as dumb as you think I am

2011-07-29T05:06:00.000-07:00

Here's the scenario. A young kid and his buddy get on the bus. One flashes me his bus pass, while the other flashes me his library card.

I saw, I just didn't give a rats ass.

As these kids are walking to the back of the bus, I can overhear their conversation.

Kid 1: I can't believe that worked.
Kid 2: I know. I thought they never looked at the passes and now I know, I can travel on transit with a library card.
Me (over the P.A.): Actually, you didn't get away with it. I saw that you had a library card. I just didn't care. But since you're bragging about it, you can now come up to the front of the bus and pay your fare. If not, I'll call security to kick you off. Oh, and thank you for traveling with transit today.

He paid and the whole bus laughed at him. Maybe, he'll have learned his lesson? I doubt it.

Apparently, it's not all common sense. Read this and learn to not be an asshole.

2011-07-29T04:56:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'd like to address the rear doors. Like most rear doors, these are exit only. No entrance permitted. Get that through your heads.

Another thing about the rear doors is that they're motion activated. So standing with your hand on the door isn't going to open them. Yelling at me either isn't going to open them. Take a step back and wave your hand in front of the sensor. Then they'll open.

And while we're on the topic of rear doors, I'm going to share a little secret with you. The doors shut automatically (that means I'm not pulling the trigger to shut them) after three seconds. Don't start freaking out when the doors are closing on you. Look up, the light is on (which means the doors are activated), and just wave your hand in front of the sensor or hit the bars (in the older buses). And when the doors have closed right in your face, don't glare at the bus driver assuming they did it on purpose. Just hit the doors and they'll re-open. We have mirrors, I can tell when people want off the bus. Oh and if you ever utter the words "Back door bitch", I will lock the doors on you and make you wait till the next stop. Your fault for being stupid.

All of the buses in the systems ONLY take coins. That means that we'll accept 250 pennies but if you try to shove a $20 bill into my fare box it's going to jam, and I'll be mad. There are signs stating that we don't take bills, I will also tell you in advance that we don't take bills. Once you ignore me and those signs, you're on your own.

During the summer period, and especially on certain routes it tends to get a little bit busy. When the driver says move to the back of the bus, it means move to the back. No, not the back doors but all the way to the back. I don't like leaving people behind and I'll try to cram as many people on the bus as possible.

On that subject. Sometimes the buses get full and they can't stop and pick you up. I know, it's frustrating but try to be patient. If you go up to the bus and start yelling at the driver they're less inclined to give you the two seats they have left on the bus.

Also when the bus is late, standing in the doorway telling me about how late the buses all are, while you're blocking others from getting on the bus is only making me more late. I have feelings, I don't enjoy being yelled at. Call customer service they're the ones that have control over the routes.

Oh, and some of the diesel buses have engine retarders in them, to assist with braking. Some of the retards work better than others. I had a bus once where every time I took my foot off the throttle, it felt like I was slamming on the brakes. I kept explaining the problem. Don't roll your eyes at me and say I need to go back to the kitchen where I belong. I set things on fire in the kitchen. I'm far worse as a domestic than a driver. When I have a good bus, I've never once had a single complaint on my driving skills. The fact that I'm explaining all of this to you instead of just driving like a maniac shows that I'm a professional. Yes, some times it's the driver but some times it's the bus.

Enough ranting for one night. I'll whine more tomorrow. Hopefully you guys have learned a little bit about driving/being on a bus and maybe tomorrow you won't complain so much.

Shut up! I'm Charlie Browning it.

2011-06-16T23:18:00.000-07:00

Today, I stopped and picked up one of my regulars.

Guy: Weren't you wearing that yesterday?
Me: Ummm, it's a uniform. I have about thirty versions of this exact outfit.
Guy: Oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense. I was just thinking you stayed overnight somewhere and didn't have a change of clothes.
Me:??????

Sleeping beauty...a bus driver's version.

2011-06-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

At my very first stop, I come across a homeless man with a bike asking for a free ride. I allow him on the bus and then hit the "fare not paid" button.

Man: Did you just call security?
Me: No! I was just checking my messages (better to say that, than the fact that I informed control of a passenger who didn't pay. It's only used for statistical information, but that's too much explaining for my liking).
Man: You had better not be lying to me...or, I'm going to do some damage to you.
Me: I was just seeing if there were any re-routes, I needed to be aware of.
Man: Fucking, young people who are on a power trip just because they drive a bus.
Me: Why don't you take a seat, I need to start driving.
Man: Fuck you!

About an hour later, I notice that my bus is empty but the man's bike is still on my bike rack. Oh well, he probably forgot it. No big deal. Once I get to my terminus, I walk to the back of the bus to check for lost property. Hunched over in the very rear seats is the homeless man, fast asleep. "Sir, you need to wake up now! SIR! END OF THE LINE! GET OFF MY BUS!!" I say. Then I notice he has headphones in his ears. I check to make sure he's still breathing and then get back in the drivers seat. I pull the bus up a few feet and slam on the brakes, causing the man to slide into the seat in front of him. He still didn't wake up.

I turn up the volume of the P.A. system, in the hopes that he'll wake up when the bus loudly announces his, or any stop for that matter. As I'm driving along, I get passengers constantly coming up to the front of the bus, telling me that I've got a dead guy in the back. I continue telling them that, he's just sleeping and he'll probably wake up eventually. By the time, I've finished my second run, the man has been out cold for over three hours.

I get out of the bus, light a smoke, and start telling the story to another driver. He starts laughing hysterically, as the best part of the story is that when the man finally wakes up, another driver will be operating the bus. I only wish, I could witness his look of confusion when that happens. Glancing over, I notice that my relief has shown up. I tell him about the sleeper on the bus. "Well, did you call security?" he asks. "No. There was no danger, and he'll wake up eventually." I reply. "What?!?!? What if he's dead? That's so irresponsible!" he yells. "I checked, he's still breathing. He was yelling and swearing at me and he didn't pay...you get the service you pay for." I respond.

Then I walked away, feeling him glaring at my back.

I consider this a normal day at work.

2010-11-10T23:49:00.000-08:00

It was raining. No big surprise since it's november and it usually rains on a daily basis. At one stop I have a woman with a walker and another woman with a broken leg on crutches get on the bus. Naturally I wait until they're seated before I move the bus. As for everyone else, I advise them to hold on and usually will start driving while they're still standing. We really don't have the time to wait for everyone to take a seat before we start moving. If you're handicapped or elderly or request we wait, then we will.

At the next stop a man gets on the bus. I tell him to hold on before starting to pull away from the curb. Two seconds later I hear the squeak of his shoe (a fuckin' croc. Those should only be worn in the garden!!!) against a wet leaf. He ended up flying backwards and hitting his head so hard that I thought he had cracked his skull at the very least. I immediately stop the bus, help him up and ask if he's okay. Being more embarressed than anything, the man tells me that he's fine and it's his fault for wearing the wrong footware. I take his name and information just in case. As I get back into my seat to start driving again, the old woman with the walker pipes up "Why didn't you wait for him to sit down? You knew the bus was slippery?" And then another passenger chimed in with the same sort of sentiment....and another and another. I ignored them. It was an unfortunate situation but most people are aware that the bus will move so they hold on to something. I also warn them to hold on if I see they're just standing there when I'm about to take off.

About half an hour later, I'm driving down main st. I'm doing about 40kms approaching an intersection that has a green light for me. A car in the oncoming turn lane decides that it would be a good idea to make a left hand turn in front of a 10 ton bus going close to the speed limit on a wet, slippery fall day. I yell "HOLD ON" and hit the brakes so hard that the antilocks kick in. The back end is fishtailing across two lanes, I'm terrrified that I'm going to end up completely totatlling this car. I end up just missing this guy's rear bumper with less than an inch to spare. All of my passengers congratulate me on avoiding an accident.

It's funny being a professional driver. Being on the road all the time, I have developed this sixth sense as to when and where accidents will occur. So even though a car may be stationary, I can amake a reasonable guess as to what he's going to do and where I'll need to be to avoid the accident.

On my second to last run of the evening this extremely drunk man gets on the bus. He sits in the front seat and immediately urinates himself. Now to be honest this has happened more often than I'd like it to. If you can't control your bladder when you're drinking, wear an adult diaper to the bar!

The smell is so bad that most of the passengers have moved to the back of the bus while I have the fans on high speed and am driving with my head out the window. A few stops later a little old woman gets on and sits right next to the man who pissed himself. I notice her take out a lace hankerchief and cover her mouth and nose with it. At the next stop I tell her that I'll wait, if she wants to move seats. She says that she's okay and only has another couple of blocks to go. Once we finally reach the terminus people start flying off my bus like rats abandoning ship! Stinky gets off as well.

Immediately I call control and request for a supervisor to clean up the mess.
Control: Can you carry on?
Me: No! Someone urinated on the seat. I don't want another passenger sitting on it.
Control:Well is there a lot of fluid on the seat or just a bit?
Me: I don't know, I threw a newspaper over it.
Control: Alright, we'll send a supervisor.

Ten minutes later my phone rings.

Control: Uhhh. Are the seats cloth?
Me: It's a trolley, all of the trolley seats are cloth. So YES!
Control: Well a supervisor can't properly clean that up....
Me: So?????
Control: We're cancelling your run. You only have one left. Go not in service back to the garage..
Me: Thank you have a good night!

And I was off an hour early!! I did have to drive a stinky bus for close to an hour though but then again, I was off an hour early!!!

Domo arigato Mr. Roboto

2010-11-10T21:49:00.000-08:00

It was a clear blue sky. The air was crisp and clean. Birds were whistling in the trees while squirrels romped merrily about the city. At my first stop, time seems to slow down. Heads turn, everyone's watching her. It was almost like we were in a commercial. At almost six feet tall, her golden blonde hair reflects the sunlight. Wearing a light silk kimono, she shows me her bus pass and give me a formal bow. All eyes are still on her. The men want her and the women want to be her. She looks like a model, tall, slim with curves in all the right places. WAIT A SECOND! Time resumes it's normal speed, the sappy commercial music dies out. That curve doesn't belong in her neck.

Good for you girl! It took me about two minutes before I noticed the adam's apple.

Keep it in your pants, you might produce stupid children

2010-11-07T18:17:00.000-08:00

As I'm sure all of you are aware that I get yelled at quite a bit while at work. Since I don't particularly enjoy being scolded, I try to do everything in my power to avoid being the subject of people's finger pointing accusations. Right now I drive a route that essentially loops around the downtown core. One way I'm the 666 and in the other direction I'm the 665, which happens to take a slightly different route than the previous.

Starting out as a 666, I loaded up my bus and proceeded to turn left instead of going straight like the 665 does. One man comes up to the front of the bus and starts yelling "Why the hell are you turning down Main st.? You're a 665! You're supposed to go straight!" "Actually sir, I'm a 666 and the 666 turns down Main" I calmly reply. "YOU CHANGED THE SIGN!!!" he shrieks. "No, I actually don't touch the sign. The bus changes it automatically for me. I started out as a 666 and haven't changed since" I say. "I've been reading for 35 years (He was close to 70...maybe a late bloomer?) and I know what I saw! Your parents made a mistake when they decided to have sex and create YOU! Tell them I said that! You're a waste of space. You're taking up all the oxygen that should be reserved for the intelligent people of this planet!" he tells me.

I already get yelled at enough as it is. Why would I change the sign halfway through my route? I'm not some sort of masochist.

I just called my parents and informed them of this man's opinion. All my dad did was laugh hysterically. Ha! My parents don't think I'm a waste of space!!!

A novel idea

2010-11-07T11:19:00.000-08:00

You know how you're in the end of a line of people waiting to board a bus? I have a rather simple idea as to how to make that line up speedier. Now I know what you're all thinking: a faster line, yes please, I hate waiting so much that it makes me grumpy and then I have to take it out on the bus driver. Well, folks not to worry, I've come up with a simple solution that only requires a little bit of passenger participation.

HAVE YOUR FUCKIN' BUS FARE OUT BY THE TIME THE BUS HAS ARRIVED!!!!!

It seems that even if people have been waiting for some time for the bus to show up, they still are unprepared to board. They'll wait till they're actually on the bus, blocking people (that already have their fare ready) from getting on behind them while they dig through their bags in search of those elusive pennies. I know that this seems like work but in reality, it's really not. Think about it. By preparing your fare ahead of time, you have more space to move, no other people pushing you aside, and you also aren't under so much pressure. If everyone were prepared then I could load people on the bus in half the time and would also probably end up not being so behind schedule.

So what do you think? Is it possible? Would you guys, maybe, be interested in getting on the bus faster?

Two words you never want to hear your girlfriend say....

2010-11-03T02:30:00.000-07:00

I'm late.

It happens. There are a variety of reasons as to why this may happen. Traffic. Mechanical failure. Injured/sick passenger. Emergency/having to call 911. Accidents.

So please, for the love of mike, the next time the bus is late don't yell at the operator. It's usually not their fault. We have feelings too!

I'm with stupid

2010-11-02T21:48:00.002-07:00

I was stopped at a bus stop downtown. My doors were open and I was loading passengers. A woman comes up to the front of the bus.

Woman: Do you stop here?
Me: Umm. Yeah. This is a bus stop which is why I have my doors open and am letting people on the bus.
Woman: So I can get off here?
Me: Yes, you can.
Woman: Okay, thanks. I just wanted to be sure.

The stop after that isn't for another two and a half blocks. As I start through the intersection, I hear the next stop chime. Not even two seconds later, I hear the buzzing sound which indicates someone is trying to open the rear doors. I look in my mirror and see a man trying to get off the back of the bus. Another passenger informs him that the doors won't open while the bus is moving. The next intersection, I'm stopped at a red light. Once again the man tried to activate the back doors. The passenger behind him tells him that the doors won't open until the green light is on and we're only stopped at a red light not the actual bus stop. At the next intersection, I'm once again stopped at another red light. Guess what? The man tried to open the doors again. I get on the PA and say "Would you mind waiting until we get to the stop? We're at a red light here, I can't let you off the bus." Once we pull into the stop, I activate the doors and no one gets off. "Sir, this is the stop." I say. Dead silence. I flip the switch to actually open the rear doors so they'll be wide open without having to push the bar to open them. He still doesn't get off the bus. "Where do you need to go?" I ask the man. "Oh, I don't want this stop. I was just checking to see if I could get off the bus when it wasn't at a stop." he replies. AARRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On my next trip a man comes up and asks me how far down the street I go. "I only go as far as Main st." I reply. "Well how far down is that?" he asks. "About 10-15 blocks" I reply. "How many blocks?" he asks in a patrionizingly slow voice (as if you were talking to a deaf child!) "About 10-15 blocks" I reply in the same kind of voice. About 10-15 blocks later, I announce that this is my last stop before I turn around. The man comes back up to the front of the bus and remarks "I only wanted to know how many blocks we had to go. Why didn't you tell me?" "Sir, I previously said 10-15 blocks. I didn't know the exact number. I'm sorry." I say. "Bitch! You don't need to be so rude!" he says.

On my return trip, I see a firetruck and an ambulance in the last bus stop on the street before I turn the corner. Since someone rang the bell, I get on the PA and announce that I'll be unable to pull into the bus stop so I'll be stopping half a block before the stop. Most everyone gets off the bus which is unusual, as most people tend to wait until I'm around the corner. A man who had gotten off the bus comes to the front doors and asks how to get down the street that I will be turning on. I tell him to hop on my bus because that's where I'm going. He replies "But I thought you couldn't go through because of the emergency vehicles?" "No, I'll be able to pass them, they're only taking up one lane of a four lane road, I just wasn't able to pull into the bus stop." I reply. "You sure you can make it by them?" he asks. "Yes, I'm sure" I confirm. By the time I've turned the corner and pulled into the bus stop most of the passengers who had disembarked at the last stop have walked to my stop. "Why did you kick us all off the bus if you could make it past the firetruck? We had to walk a whole block! You're a liar and a terrible person!" they all yelled in unison. Okay, I may have slightly exagerated that but that was the general gist of it.

I herby declare November 2nd first annual idiot day!

New/old stories

2010-11-01T04:50:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed the abnormal amount of postings that were done today. I recently found a whole lot of writing from 2008/2009 so I decided to repost it. Sorry for any repeat stories.

Yield to the bus...or not.

2010-11-01T04:48:00.002-07:00

Posted on the bumper of every bus in the city is a large bright yellow sticker stating "Please yield to the bus, it's the law". I know that the buses are covered with adverts and you may be so distracted by the oversized picture of oozing meat by Vera's burger shack that you may miss the bumper sticker; that's understandable. I'll forgive you. Once. But now you know and you no longer have an excuse. Seriously people, I'm on a tight schedule. I've got kites to fly and fish to fry (perhaps not the metaphor that pertains to this particular situation). Okay, I've got places to go and people to see (that makes more sense).  

 I don't know the statistics of how many cars actually yield and quite frankly, I don't give a rat's ass. Statistics are bullshit. All I know is that when I put on my turn signal to leave a stop most cars continue past me as though I weren't there. Usually after about the fourth car I'll start honking at those that refuse to move. 99 times out of 100 this results in the driver laying on the horn and telling me I'm number one with their middle finger. "They love me, they want to be part of my fan club (you can be part of it too. Just send a cheque for $100.00 and you'll receive an autographed picture as well as emailed updates about my ever so exciting life). Occasionally, I won't have to rely upon my horn; some drivers actually do slow down or stop for me. It always leaves me with a warm, fuzzy feeling that starts in my heart and continues down to my toes. 

 The other day, I had the socks shocked off of me. The first car that saw my indicator come on actually stopped and motioned for me to pull out. Wow! I doubt that will ever happen again. I believe I have a better chance of winning the lottery. Hmmm maybe I should start playing.  

A lot of drivers seem to fear buses, as they rightly should. I'm bigger than you, I'll squash you like a bug. I do take advantage of this fact and force other drivers to bend to my will. If we're at a standstill and I need to switch lanes, I will stick my nose in front of you and force you to let me in. But that is an entirely different scenario than me sticking my nose in front of a car travelling at 50kms an hour. The chances of getting hit are much greater and to be honest there is way too much paperwork to fill out as the result of an accident. So all in all I tend to avoid getting myself in situations where damage could be caused either to a vehicle or a person. Many a driver has been so startled when I put on my signal that they've swerved into oncoming traffic much to the dismay of other vehicles around them. Or else they give me a few toots on the horn. Let me reassure you buses are equiped with mirrors; large mirrors (that can pose a hazard when driving past lampstands!). Rest assured, I see you, I know that you're there. Thank you for moving so quickly out of the way and/or audibly informing me of your presence but really it's quite unnecessary. 

And now kids, it's time for the funny story of the day...  

I pulled into a stop where one older (55+) gentleman was waiting. I opened the doors with a smile and just about choked and vomited on my standard greeting. This man was wearing baggy blue jeans and was standing with his hands on his hips. (I know, it's not funny yet...I'm getting to it). His fly was down. (So? Still not funny). He had also chosen this day (but who knows, it could be every other day as well) to go commando. Yes, I was just flashed by your grandfather.

Lexus

2010-11-01T04:48:00.001-07:00

Beautiful, sleek, sophisticated. That's a lexus. It comes with more features than an airplane. This is a car that can fuckin' park itself. I just have one question?? Why the fuck don't they come with turn signals??

Shopping cart madness

2010-11-01T04:46:00.000-07:00

I work for one of the few transit systems that is fully wheelchair accessible. On every bus there is room for two wheelchairs (or scooters). When the space isn't occupied by a disabled passenger, more often than not it's used by parents parking their strollers there.

In every large city, you will at one point or another encounter someone who's homeless. Our city is no exception. Check out the downtown east side and you will see the homeless (or as I lovingly call them bums) in their full glory. They have a market, of sorts, on the sidewalk. It's actually quite interesting to watch. People are gathered round; buying, selling, observing or just tripping out. Most carry their belongings in garbage bags (not quite as stylish as louis vitton but far more practical. Myself, I'd take the black garbage bag over the designer shit any day). Some actually have their own wheels...ahem...wheel chairs. Most still have the "property of such and such a hospital" stamped on the back. Obviously the hospital had a garage sale and got rid of their excess medical equipment.

The ones in the wheelchairs are usually pushed around by a friend/lover/family member/stranger/unsuspecting tourist while they clutch their garbage bags on their laps. Once, I saw a miracle take place. A man decided to take advantage of the disabled, stole his bag o' goodies and took off running. Lo and behold, the Lord almighty healed the man. In the name of Jesus, I command you to walk. Well the man in the wheelchair didn't believe in baby steps and sprinted after the robber. Let me tell you, he could give any Olympian a run for his money. Now the most fortunate ones actually have shopping carts. They can carry numerous bags or cans or people or lamps (I saw a shopping cart full of lamps once....it was odd).

I pulled up to a stop smack dab in the middle of the east side. I open my doors and a man pushing a shopping cart attempts to board the bus.
I'm sorry sir, but I can't let you on the bus - me
But I've got the fare today - shopping cart man
Ummm. that's not the issue. We actually can't take shopping carts on the bus - me
WHAT?!? But you let baby carriages on. Some of those strollers are bigger than my cart - shopping cart man
Yeah, but those strollers hold children and most can be folded up (stroller not the child) - me
What if I get a kid to sit in the shopping cart? - shopping cart man
Are you talking about kidnapping? - me
No, just borrowing my friend's kid -shopping cart man
Look the answer is no. I will not let you on with a shopping cart, now if you can please step back so I can close the doors ( he had the cart half loaded on the bus already) -me
Stupid, fuckin' whore!! BITCH!! I'm gonna call transit and complain and I know your bus number - crazy shopping cart man
Okay, you do that. Have a nice day - me
With that I shut the doors in his face and drove away. I always believe in service with a smile!

Green means go, yellow means go faster and red means you didn't go fast enough!

2010-11-01T04:44:00.002-07:00

As one who drives for a living, I see more idiots on the road than the average Joe. I was actually amazed at how many people ran red lights. Now, I don't mean a light that has just changed red. I'm talking about stale reds where it's been red for at least five seconds and everyone else has come to a stop. Most of the time the car/truck/SUV/bus/tank etc will stop at the light, wait for a few seconds and then drive through the intersection. I have a few ideas of why this happens... 

Red-green color blindness :
Red-green color blindness simply means that a person cannot distinguish shades of red and green (usually blue-green). Their visual acuity (ability to see) is normal. There are no serious complications; however, affected individuals may not be considered for certain occupations involving transportation or the Armed Forces where color recognition is required. Males are affected 16 times more often than females, because the gene is located on the X chromosome. 

Traffic light confusion :
Looking at the light, they notice it's red, and come to a stop. They then look over at the other light, see that it's green and therefore they can go. So they go. These individuals can never remember which light they should obey and thus obey whichever one is more convenient. 

Expensive SUV syndrome:
 These are the ones that have spent over $54,000 on their Lexus RX 400h. They believe that they are important and better than everyone else; especially those who make less than six figures a year. They must have the best of everything. Their lawns are green and perfectly manicured even when there's a water drought. They bought the hybrid model because they like to think they are environmentally friendly. They've bought Al Gore's book and have it proudly displayed in their library right next to Plato's republic and The prince by Machiavelli. Of course they've read these books and discuss them in great detail (Reality check. They've read the review and thus believe they know what they're talking about). Their SUV's must have four wheel drive (just to get over those pesky curbs that are constantly in the way), be able to park itself (because I sure as hell can't do it) and have a fully navigational GPS system (How else would I be able to get around in this city?). Rules don't apply to them and if anyone attempts to say otherwise, they have their lawyers on speed dial to help enforce their point of view.  

I started counting the number of red light incidents that occurred in a one week time span. I counted 8! Eight, that's appalling. And remember this doesn't include those who run the fresh reds, only stale ones. Two of these happened at the same intersection as I was walking home. I was crossing northbound (on a green) when a Mercedes travelling westbound ran the light. The SECOND car (Honda accord. also westbound) just about plowed right into me as I had just about finished crossing the street (that's how red the light was). Of course he honked and gave me the finger. Oh, I'm sooo terribly sorry for crossing the street in front of you, making it more difficult to run the red that's almost turned green! JACKASS!!!

Dumbass!

2010-11-01T04:44:00.001-07:00

I finished my shift downtown today. While waiting to catch my bus to go back home a guy approached me and asked "Hey, are you interested in buying some bus tickets?" Just to clarify, I was wearing my uniform...the same one that all transit drivers in the city wear. "Heh? Are you shitting me?" I replied. "Well, you see, I'm moving and I need to make some quick money" he explained. I gave him the look. The look is a mixture of disdain, anger, and bewilderment. It was designed solely to make people feel stupid and I have spent many a year perfecting it. He took a step back and looked me up and down. About ten hours later he exclaimed "Oh, you work for the bus company! As a driver?" I nodded. Rather hesitantly he asked "so you aren't interested in the bus tickets?" It's situations like that when I fervently wish people required IQ tests before reproducing.

It's a bird, it's a plane...nope it's definitely a bird!

2010-11-01T04:42:00.000-07:00

Pulling into one of the stops in the downtown east side a man wearing a long overcoat and a funny blue hat boarded the bus. As he had a cane I waited until he was seated before I pulled away. "Thank you so much driver; in all my years riding the bus, you're the first who's actually waited for me to sit down before driving away." The man commented. "No worries. It's part of my job" I replied. The real reason I waited? I didn't want to fill out the required paperwork if he had fallen and injured himself...I despise paperwork with a passion!

The man and I continued chatting amicably about the weather and what not. Pulling into the next stop, the man wished me a good day and hobbled towards the door. Glancing at him in my riot mirror (my large rearview mirror that shows me when people are going crazy on the bus) I noticed that he now had a pigeon perched atop his hat. What?!? No? It's not real. It can't be...oh, it's moving and is attatched to a leash. Yup, it's a real bird. As the other passengers were boarding I continued gawking at this guy with a bird on his head getting off my bus. One woman asked me what the problem was. (I was sitting in shock with my mouth hanging open). "That man has a bird. On the bus." I replied. The woman laughed at me and said "Well it certainly looks that way" "But animals aren't allowed on the bus without a proper carrier" I stuttered. Well too late to tell him that. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not so sure I'd try to enforce the rule if I saw him again. It was rather amusing (once I got over my shock) to see such a well behaved pigeon...Hell the bird caused less problems than most people that ride the bus!!

Gasoline is flammable? OMG!! I like totally didn't realize it was dangerous.

2010-11-01T04:41:00.000-07:00

A woman boarded the bus at one of the less popular stops. As she got on, I noticed she was carrying several shopping bags and a jerry can. Walking down the aisle she spilled quite a bit of liquid from the jerry can onto the floor of the bus. "Ma'am is that gasoline?" I asked. "Yup, I ran out of gas" she replied. Don't they have gas gauges in cars now a days? "I'm sorry but you cannot transport gasoline on a bus" I informed her. "But I can't walk. It's too far" she said. By this time she was seated quite comfortably (as comfortably as one can get on a bus), batting her eyelashes and staring at me. I'm sorry but flirting only works with me if you're a male, hot, and not transporting a potential bomb! "I'm going to have ask you to get off the bus" I repeated. "But how am I going to get to my car?" she asked. Take a taxi, hitchhike, walk, I don't care, just get off my bus!!! Finally she realised that I wasn't going to bend the rules for her and she exited the coach. Meanwhile, I had to clean up the spilled gas and deal with the fumes. Thanks a lot blondie!!!

Bus helpers

2010-11-01T04:38:00.000-07:00

Maybe you know who I'm talking about, maybe you don't. These are the people who 
a. ride the bus way too often 
b.want to be bus driver's themselves but have failed miserably 
or c. believe that you are incompetent and need their help. 

Things that they do...
 Tell you when you should be turning (usually when you're halfway through the turn) 
Ring the bell at every stop that they see people at (they aren't getting off, they just want to make sure that you see the people waiting and don't pass them by) 
Warn you if you're getting too close to a lamp stand/curb/car etc (I'm only forty to sixty feet long depending on the bus; I'm perfectly aware of how large I am and my surroundings. Thank you very much.) 
Call out stops for you
 Inform you when someone is sneaking in the rear doors or has failed to show the proper ticket (ie: you didn't look closely enough at his pass, it's from august. we're now in September) 
Tell you the bus is full of trash but don't bother to pick it up or start picking up the trash and throw it out at the next stop (this is when I try to leave them behind) 
Start going on about how certain routes were better twenty years ago and they should change them back to the way it used to be. Then ask my opinion on the matter. (Hell, I was four years old. Does it look like I'd remember things from that long ago?)
 Try to tell you that you need to turn the retarder off so the bus brakes smoother 
Answer other passenger's questions for you 

 If you have checked yes to any of these symptoms you are indeed a bus helper. Sorry to inform you of this princess but we don't need nor want your help. We all went through a rigorous training program in order to get this job so get off the bus and get a fuckin' life!!!

Drunk #1

2010-11-01T04:37:00.000-07:00

Driving along one day I spotted a woman holding onto the bus stop for dear life. Maybe she is expecting a hurricane?? As she boarded the bus, I realised that she was just severely intoxicated; so much so that she actually had trouble standing up. Pointing her finger straight in my face she asked "Do you know how to get to mumble mumble hotel?" "I'm sorry?" I replied. "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO mumble mumble mumble HOTEL?" she repeated. Everything coming out of her mouth was crystal clear except for the actual name of the hotel. Since it is a large city with numerous hotels, I could hazard a guess but most likely I'd get it wrong. I also figured that asking her to repeat herself again would be useless. "No, I'm sorry, I don't know where that particular hotel is" I told her in my best calm the crazy drunk down before they do damage to you voice. "But you're a bus driver" she exclaimed. Really?? No shit, and here I was under the impression that I was a hot dog vendor. "You should know everything, don't you drive around the city all day?" she asked/yelled/slurred. I opened my mouth to attempt a reply but she beat me to it. "You know what you are? USELESS!! Don't they teach these kind of things when you're in training? I thought that bus drivers were supposed to be helpful and nice, not bitches who know nothing like you!" She then turned to exit the bus and walked straight into the doors. I had already started driving at this point. If I waited at every stop to have a conversation with every drunk, I'd be there till Christmas. "Let me off! I don't want to be on this bus. I want a different bus" she slurred. "We're in the middle of an intersection ma'am, I can't stop. I'll let you off at the next stop which is half a block ahead." I informed her. I pulled into the stop, opened the doors and watched her fall flat on her face. "Are you okay?" I asked. She gave me the finger. Well she's moving, that's a good sign. I then proceeded to drive away.

Drunk #2

2010-11-01T04:36:00.002-07:00

Friday night. What do you think of? Partying? Drinking? Hitting on bus drivers young enough to be your daughter? 

A couple boards the bus (so completely drunk, I'm not sure they were even aware of what bus they were on) the man pulls out a handful of pennies and asks how much the fare is. "$2.50" I replied. "For each of us? No way? That's expensive." he said. Cheaper than taking a taxi! "Just throw what you have in the fare box. okay?" I told him. It added up to 67 cents. Printing out two transfers, I handed them to the couple. "Don't worry about it, just get it next time" I said. "Thank you sir" the woman replied. She then looked at me and realised that I was in fact female and not male like she assumed. "Sorry, it's just that most drivers are guys but you're not. I mean obviously, I never thought you were a man. I just didn't look at you. After I looked at you I saw right away that you weren't a man." she explained. Yeah, keep digging! "No worries, it actually happens a lot" I replied. "It's his first time on a bus. Not mine though, I take the bus all the time, but it's his first time." she told me. "Ummm congratulations?" I replied. What is the correct response to that comment?? 

After getting settled in their seats the couple then has the most descriptive, vulgar conversation about sex that I have ever heard in my entire life! I'll spare you the gruesome details but let me just say that every sentence contained these three words: pussy, cock, and fuck. Oh and I neglected to mention that these people were about the same age as my parents. I know this for a fact as the woman kept repeating over and over and over again how depressing it was to get to fifty years old. I quickly came to the conclusion that they had just met (in a bar perhaps?) as the woman kept saying to the man that they should get married and the man kept replying that his wife wouldn't like that much. They then informed me that they were actually brother and sister. Ummm yeah. Brother and sister my ass. Or if they are...I don't even want to think about it. Eventually, I managed to tune them out. Well actually I turned the fans on high, so I wouldn't hear them anymore. This worked for about 60 blocks until the woman shouted at me so loudly, I couldn't ignore her. Turning my fans off I asked her to repeat herself. Big mistake. "Did you hear him? He just said that you're sweet and he wants to do you in the....." she said. What the fuck? At first they were kinda amusing in a twisted, disturbing sort of way but now they've just crossed the line into super inappropriate. How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? Luckily for me, they got off at the next stop and I didn't have to.

Hail to the bus driver

2010-11-01T04:36:00.001-07:00

Oh how I despise that song!

Oh Lord, won't you buy me a mercedes benz?

2010-11-01T04:35:00.002-07:00

It was towards the end of my shift when I looked ahead to the next bus stop and noticed that someone had parked a Mercedes smack dab in the middle of the stop. Not at the front, where I could pull in behind. And not at the back, where I could pull in front. The only possible way for me to get into the spot would be to parallel park the bus. As I got closer, I saw a man running towards the car. Good! He saw the bus and he's moving for me. That's nice of him, almost as nice as NOT parking in a bus zone!! He then opened the trunk of the car and began unloading groceries. I guess he's not as nice as I originally thought. Since I had to let people off at the stop, I layed on the horn. He stopped what he was doing, walked to the driver's side of the car and motioned for me to pass him. I don't think so buddy, this is my turf...get lost eh!!! I stopped the bus where it was and stared him down...well at least that's what I tried to do. Seeing as he still didn't move, I put on my hazard lights and unloaded the passengers in the middle of the street. "Sorry, folks we have someone who seems to think their car is a bus and has parked at the stop so I'm going to have to let you off here. Please watch your step." I announced. The man stepped back with a satisfied grin.

Good job buddy, you held your ground and got a prime parking spot! Suddenly the man looked behind him startled. One of the passengers that had gotten off started yelling at him. "What do you think you're doing? Can't you read the sign? This is a bus stop! No parking you idiot!! I just had my hip replaced and it's hard for me to get off the bus when there's no curb for me to step onto." The 80+ yr woman yelled. Ahhh Justice. I drove away with a smile.

Yes, I know the bus is late!

2010-11-01T04:35:00.001-07:00

It happens. You need to understand that sometimes situations arise that are beyond my control. It may be that I've had four passengers in wheelchairs, or that my bus broke down and I had to wait for the mechanics to bring me a replacement, or that I've had to call 911 because someone has just been attacked and took refuge on the bus, or that I was stuck in rush hour traffic. I can't help these things. You must realize that standing in the doorway yelling at me doesn't help the situation; it actually makes it worse. You seem to believe that the louder you yell, the better it'll be. Are you under the impression that sound waves have the ability to reverse time?? I know, I'm not a scientist but I do know that this doesn't happen. I'm sorry this myth most likely was started because of other drivers. Let me also tell you this (don't tell anyone, it's a secret), sounding your horn while running a red light doesn't reverse time or even suspend it. So please stop your yelling and just be patient, you're only the 50th person to inform me that I'm running late. You don't think I'm aware of the fact; I'm the one that's driving the bus! Oh and when I explain that the reason we're late is that the bus broke down please don't respond with "the bus? Ha! more likely it was the driver that broke down." I don't know what you mean by this, but I'll assume it's an insult.

What?!?

2010-11-01T04:34:00.000-07:00

A woman comes up to the front of the bus and calmly informs me that I'm driving too fast. Glancing down at my speedo (speedometer; no, I was not wearing a speedo while driving) I see that I'm doing exactly 50kmh. "I'm doing the speed limit" I inform her. "But you're a bus" she replies. "So?" I respond. "You're bigger, you should be going slower." she says. After almost four years of driving buses, you get used to them. I'm more comfortable driving a bus through downtown than my Honda civic. I know how big I am and exactly how much space I need. "I have to do the speed limit. If I drive less than that, I become a hazard to everyone else on the road (I'd also be terribly behind schedule)" I told her. "Well, I'm getting off, my nerves can't handle you" she replied. Fine, be my guest. I'd like to see you find a bus driver that doesn't drive the speed limit!

No idling!

2010-11-01T04:32:00.000-07:00

At night we have meeting points. The reason for this is that the service slows down considerably and instead of buses being minutes apart they're now half an hour apart. So we have certain points in the city where we stop and wait for other buses to show up. (Ie: I'm travelling northbound, I'll wait for the east and westbound buses). This way anyone who's on that bus can hop onto mine, or vice versa, and they don't have to worry about missing their connection.  

 I get to my meeting point last night and stop; waiting for the other buses to arrive. A drunk bum on the bus pipes up "Shouldn't you be shutting the bus down? They do have a three minute idle law in the city you know." "I'm aware of that, but I'm not driving a diesel, I'm driving a trolley." I respond. "Oh, your bus doesn't run on diesel. What does it run on, gasoline?" He asked. "It's a trolley. It's run by electricity" I said. "Electricity? Really? When did the city get those?" He asked. "About sixty years ago" I responded. "But what if the power goes out? They must have a gasoline engine, just in case?" He asked. "Nope, these buses are entirely electric. They have back up batteries. We can go about 15 blocks at 30kmh before we'll run out of power" I explained. "Wow, these newfangled gadgets. I can never keep up with technology these days" He exclaimed. Yeah, cuz 60 years of trolleys is really new!!

Highs and lows...well mostly lows of the evening

2010-11-01T04:31:00.000-07:00

To the man who ran up behind the bus while I was at a stop and placed a firecracker on the back of the bus. I saw you. You were trying to be sneaky but I have mirrors, I can see when someone suddenly disappears behind the bus and then runs away laughing. Thank you. You scared the shit out of me when it went off half a block later and you broke my license plate light. Douche bag!! 

To the man who fell onto the bus. I asked if you were okay. You said yes and patted my shoulder. Well, I'm assuming that's what you intended to do. Actually you patted my chest. I'll let it slide as you were drunk and you probably didn't realise what you were doing but for future reference, I don't appreciate being groped by men forty years older than me.  

To the woman standing beside the tree trying to flag me down. I think you were a little confused as to what constitutes as a bus stop. A bus stop consists of a pole with a sign that says "Bus stop". This definition does not include trees, no parking signs, street corners, the middle of the street or lampposts (unless it does have a bus stop sign attached to it). Next time walk to the nearest stop as I don't have time to stop at every tree in the city!  

To the man who told me to drive faster because he was late for work yesterday on account of my driving. A bus is not a race car. I'll drive the speed limit and when I get to a timing point, I'll leave when I'm scheduled to leave. If you're schedule's so tight why don't you try taking the bus before me, or a taxi or drive yourself? Oh and by the way, I was right on schedule yesterday just as I was today!

Scooter lady

2010-11-01T04:29:00.000-07:00

Noticing a woman in a scooter at one of my stops, I apply the parking brakes, throw on my hazards, lower the bus and begin opening the ramp. When the ramp is about a foot from being fully lowered, the woman suddenly decides to move forward. Seeing as the ramp is now about to hit her, I attempt to stop it. Unfortunately it doesn't respond so well and the ramp ends up hitting her on the leg. She screamed...well actually it wasn't so much of a scream per se, it was more like a howl - werewolf style. "I'm soo sorry ma'am. Are you okay?" I ask. "Did you all see that? She's trying to kill me!" the woman cried out to the crowd of people waiting to board the bus. Off to a great start. This is going to be a fun night. She finally moves back enough so that I can fully lower the ramp. Going full speed up the ramp she then drives right into the fare box, she backs up until she hits the door frame. Moving forward again (with a few minor collisions with the seats, stanchions, fare box again) she manages to get the scooter mostly centred in the isle of the bus. As she drives past me she shouts "Cunt" Are you getting an idea of how skilled or lack thereof she was as a driver? I do give her this though, she managed to turn the scooter around (it's easier if they're backed into the spot) with no more than twenty collisions. I was starting to imagine her as a pinball in a pinball machine.  

She managed to negotiate herself into the wheelchair spot. Moving from my seat, I got my first good look of her, as I went to strap her in. You know how sometimes old women wear lipstick smeared everywhere in the general area their mouth is in? Yeah, she had that going on as well as overly orange foundation, fake eyelashes and 1970's blue eyeshadow. I also noticed that she had a five o clock shadow happening. Now imagine the deepest most manliest, gravelly voice you've ever heard. Multiply it by ten and you've got her. Trying to get the straps onto her scooter was a nightmare. She kept on moving forward slightly then reversing full speed back into the seats. I got my fingers pinched no less than six times. About twelve years later we were finally ready to get the show on the road. As soon as I start driving she starts screaming (howling). "what's the problem ma'am?" I ask. "It's too cold in here. My leg is frozen, I've got frostbite because of you! Turn on the fucking heat." she yells. It was September and about 16 degrees...not warm but definitely not cold enough to get frostbite! 

 At the next stop a man with a pointed goatee boards the bus. "You look like the devil" the scooter lady says. "What?!?" the man replies. "You're going to go to hell you know? You with your black t-shirt looking like the devil. God doesn't approve" she tells the man. The man pointedly ignores her. Smart. Not one to be deterred the woman continues her monologue. For about five minutes the woman continues to mock, rant, rave, preach, and accuse the poor man. Another man boards the bus and makes the mistake of sitting across from the scooter lady. "Well puppy, aren't you a cute one?" scooter lady says. Yes she did call him a puppy! Scooter lady then attempts to flirt with this man until the man finally leaves the bus.  

Pulling into my stop in downtown where all of the high end prostitutes were talking and laughing while waiting for their next customer, scooter lady suddenly shouts out. "shut up you stupid hens!" About half a block later a taxi honks. "shut up you fucker" scooter lady yells. This basically went on for the next twenty blocks. Any time there was so much as a whisper, scooter lady would yell out shut up you (insert insult). Finally we get to her stop. She attempted to take the straps off her scooter without my assistance and got one stuck. I couldn't pull it out (it's like a seat belt, once it's halfway out you can't pull it out any further) and i couldn't get it between her armrest. After jiggling it for about five minutes (in the meantime, scooter lady took this opportunity to insult me in every possible way), I managed to release it. She then drove forward, straight into a seat. Reversing so quickly that I actually had to jump onto the seat to avoid getting my toes run over, scooter lady finally manages to exit the bus (instead of driving down the ramp, she chose to drive over the side). Meanwhile the entire bus cracked up when i did my acrobatic move to save my toes. All in all it was pretty funny, the entire bus load and myself laughed for blocks!

How to ensure you'll get off at the stop you want.

2010-11-01T04:28:00.000-07:00

There are only two reasons that I'll pull into a stop.

  1. I see passengers waiting there. 
2. Someone rings the bell.  

The following scenario is one that occurs on an almost daily basis for me.  I'll be cruising along when suddenly, I'll hear "Driver, you missed my stop"

Okay people, you have two jobs - ring the bell and push the doors. I think you forgot one of them!   I'm not a mind reader, I don't know where you want to get off.

So please stop you're bitching because it's not my fault that you missed your stop.

homelessness.

2010-11-01T04:25:00.000-07:00

I drive six different routes every week and each one of these routes takes me through the worst part of the city - the downtown eastside. So needless to say, I have a fair bit of interaction with the homeless. I've even come to develop relationships with some of them. Names have been changed to protect the Innocent (and not so innocent). There's Fred, one of the nicest men I've ever met. He always brings me up to date on the current gossip happening in the area. It seems that he knows everyone and everyone's story. He is a tad absent minded as he forgets his wallet (that contains his yearly bus pass) on a daily basis. But all in all, he has a heart of gold. And there's Jane who shuffles on to the bus every Wednesday and Thursday, sits in the very back and sings her heart out. 

I've come to the conclusion that the downtown east side isn't as dangerous as people think. Sure, there are a few rotten eggs out there, but most are harmless. It's all in how you deal with them. I try to treat every single person who boards my bus with respect. I'll listen to them, talk to them and give them a transfer if they need it. It's paid off. Most now respect me and when they have a bit of change, they throw it in the fare box. And if someone on the bus is insulting me or the way that I drive these people are the first ones to stand up for me. It's a nice feeling. 

I understand the skepticism people have with this area. I often see tourists, maps in hand looking bewildered, lost and frightened in the east side. Why do all of the guide books recommend that folks visit this area? It's not pretty and it sure as hell doesn't make a good first impression! I should write my own guide book, that way people see the good side of the city. Although it isn't pretty, it is safer than a lot of other areas. The police station is right on the corner and the cops patrol the streets quite frequently. To be honest, I've had more problems with passengers in the so called rich neighbourhoods than I have had in the slums. 

 The other day I had a tourist get on my bus downtown. He wanted to get to a location on the other side of town. I assured him that he had the right bus and I'd announce his stop for him. In order to get there, I had to drive through the east side. He started off sitting at the back of the bus. The further we went, the further he moved forward, until he was standing right next to me. "Where are we? Are we going to be okay? I didn't realise that it would be this bad." he commented. "Don't worry, we'll be fine, I drive through here every night" I responded. "I don't see how you do it. No offense but you're a small girl and I'm scared shit less right now so I can't imagine what you feel." He said. "I know it looks bad, but it's all in your attitude. If you respect them, they'll respect you. I've never had a problem so far." I replied. "I can't take this. I'm getting off and going back to my hotel. This isn't safe." He told me. Okay, suit yourself. This isn't even that bad compared to other cities.  

 Tonight I pulled into my terminus stop (where I get my break) and a woman comes running up to the bus and starts pounding on the doors. I open them and let her in. "Thank you so much, those two drunks out there were harassing me and threatening me" she says. "Okay, I'll call security for you. Or if you'd rather the police?" I say. "No, I don't want to press charges, I just want them gone" she responds. So I make the call and request for someone to remove these two drunk twenty somethings from the bus stop. She then starts going on about how transit is so bad and the last bus driver let her off with these two drunks without caring about her safety. "It's because I'm native, they don't care about me" she tells me. "No. No one deserves to be harassed regardless of their race. Don't worry, someone is on their way." I tell her. I notice another driver waiting outside so I go out and chat with him, leaving the woman on the bus (with the doors shut, so the drunks can't harass her).  

The drunks notice us talking and decide to come over and talk to us. One looked like he ran straight into a knife. He had a gash on his forehead that was dripping with blood. They stopped by us and attempted to say something but unfortunately with all of the alcohol they had consumed their tongue's weren't cooperating. It was all gibberish with lots of hand gestures. Eventually a supervisor arrived and escorted them off the premises. These guys were so drunk that if you touched them, they'd probably fall over. About an hour later, as I was walking home from the depot, I noticed that the police had arrested them. I figure they went across the street to the bar, got the shit kicked out of them by the bouncers who eventually got bored and called the cops.

If I could turn back time....

2010-11-01T04:23:00.000-07:00

I do believe that I have one of the best jobs in the world especially after a night like tonight... 

It all started downtown. I had a fairly full bus; every seat was taken and there were a few standees. As usual, the bum to paying passenger ratio was quite high. I had a woman and a man sitting next to each other in the two seats closest to the front. Their conversation started out normally enough (I can't help it, I like to eavesdrop). They were discussing love and life and whether or not they would change anything in the past. "Oh my God, that reminds me of that song by Cher." The woman said. Suddenly without warning and in perfect unison (albeit slightly off-key) they broke out into "If I could turn back time". When they got to the part in the chorus "If I could reach the stars" they both stood up and reached with one arm towards the ceiling of the bus. I was quite amazed. I mean breaking out into song is one thing but to have choreographed movements as well. WOW!! Most people on the bus, including myself, were enjoying the performance but there were a few hecklers in the back (I'll get back to these guys later) telling them to shut up and so on and so forth. Seriously, what are you guys complaining about? You're getting free entertainment on your ride home! After they finished the song, the man stood up and said "That was dedicated to our wonderful, beautiful bus driver who got us all home safely. I was touched. Honestly. I'm not being sarcastic, it was pretty cool to have a song dedicated to me! 

I notice that a man has fallen asleep in the seat. Now understand that this happens a lot especially as the weather is starting to cool down. It's normal to have people get on and sleep on the bus; the shelters are full, it's cold out and they don't want to sleep on the street. Turning the corner the man falls out of the seat and into the aisle. "Oh my goodness. Are you okay?" I ask. He snores in response. A couple of stops later, another passenger wakes him up by stepping over him to exit the bus. "Wha? Where are we?" he asks. I tell him our exact location. "Shit. I wanted to get off about fifty blocks ago" He says. He exits the bus at the next stop and crosses the street to catch the bus back to his original destination. I just hope he didn't fall asleep again! 

 A little while later a woman comes up to the front of the bus and asks me how to get to some obscure street that I've never even heard of. "I'm sorry, ma'am but I don't know where that street is." I informed her. "But you're a bus driver" she replied. Why on earth does everyone think that bus driver's know everything. We don't. It's a large city, it's almost impossible for us to know everything. Well she ranted and raved for a while about how useless and incompetent I was. Finally she says "So I just take that train and it'll take me to that street?" "Yes. that train will get you there" I reply. I know, I'm a terrible person for lying to her but you have to understand that she was very drunk and scary looking. If I continued to tell her that I didn't know she probably would have snapped and spat in my face or something. So in that situation, I'm thinking more about my safety and how I can get this potential problem off my bus without a situation arising out of it. 

Later on I start to smell weed. There are about five people on my bus at this point, including the two guys at the back that did NOT appreciate the impromptu singing we had. Looking in my mirror I see the guys passing a joint back and forth. Immediately I pull over and inform them that they cannot smoke on the bus. "Yeah, and what are you going to do about it bitch?" the one guy asks. Before I can even reply the guy's friend says "c'mon let's go. If the cops find me, I'm going back to jail." and then pulls his friend off the bus. Whew! I seem to have luck on my side tonight!  

Continuing along, I notice on the side of the road, not one but two bumpers. One bumper, sure I can understand that, but two? How on earth did anyone lose both of their bumpers? Maybe they aren't even from the same car? But then why would the bumpers from two different cars be in the same location? hmmm... I'll save that mystery for scooby doo.  

 On my return trip, I stop and pick up one of my favorite bums. He gets on the bus with a cardboard box full of bouquets of red roses. "Oh, how nice, you brought me flowers" I joke. Actually, I thought of you immediately when I picked these up. You always give me a free ride and talk to me when no one else will, so I saved the most beautiful bunch for you." He tells me. "Really? Thank you." I reply. I then place the flowers on my dashboard so all of the other drivers will see them and be jealous. "I also wanted to make your boyfriend jealous" He jokes. Another passenger comes up and asks if he can have some flowers as well because he wants to impress his girlfriend. "I'll sell you a bouquet for five dollars" the bum says. "What? But you gave her a bunch for free" the man replies. "It's cuz she's pretty and you're not" the bum responds. Long story short, after much haggling the cheap man finally buys two bouquets for five dollars. 

 Getting back into the yard, I check my bus for lost property. To my amazement I find a hat, a bar menu, and three shirts. Now how did three people lose their shirts? Or a better question, how did I not notice three people exit the bus shirtless? 

 And that is why I drive a bus for a living. You don't get this kind of excitement with an office job. And people wonder how I survive without cable.

Why taxi's are like mosquitoes

2010-11-01T04:21:00.000-07:00

Both are vital parts of the ecosystem. Mosquitoes relieve animals the burden of carrying too much blood, spread malaria, and generally irritate people. Taxi's relieve people the burden of carrying too much money, spread road rage, and generally irritate people.  

 I know that I shouldn't be so hard on them. They do have a tough job and they are in a sense my colleagues. We're all professional drivers but they just make it so easy for me to hate them. I know, hate is a strong word. Believe me I don't use it lightly. This is an opinion I have formed after many hours of driving alongside them. Here are a few of my reasons.  

They never yield. In one of my previous posts I was complaining about how most cars don't yield to the bus well taxi's NEVER yield. In my entire history of driving I have witnessed two taxi's yield. Two. That's it. And there are a lot of taxi's in the city. Currently, I'm attempting to teach taxi driver's how it's done. What I do is when I'm at a stop and ready to pull out into traffic, I wait until a taxi shows up and I cut in front of him. Usually this results in him slamming on the brakes, swerving into the other lane (without signaling or shoulder checking), laying on the horn and giving me the finger. I really don't see why they react with such hostility. I'm doing them a favour by showing them it's not the end of the world to let a bus in front of them and they really are capable of doing it. It's kind of like trying to teach a cat to sit. Not impossible but incredibly difficult. I believe though with enough patience and perseverance I can do it.  

They park wherever they want. They seem to believe that their hazard lights double as "park anywhere lights". A favorite haunt of theirs is bus stops. Even though there is a loading zone (they're loading people, I support them using it), or deserted street half a block ahead they still have to park smack dab in the middle of my stop. I've come to the conclusion that they must hate buses as much as we hate them so they do this to spite us. Of course whenever I honk at a taxi in order to get him to move, it works. He'll move up half a foot for me. Thanks. A friend of mine told me a story of what he does to taxi's in bus stops. He'll angle park in front of them, so they can't get out, put on his brakes and go outside and start checking to make sure all of the lights are working on the bus. Usually the taxi driver will get mad and start yelling at him to move. He'll reply with "Oh, I'm sorry but I'm going to be here a few more minutes. I guess you'll have to back up." As soon as the taxi starts reversing he'll hop back in the bus, and drive away, leaving the taxi driver irate. I haven't had the nerve to try this and to be honest, I don't know if I ever will. It seems a little bit too cruel for my standards.  
Another place that they like to park is in the middle of the bus lane. You'll be cruising along at fifty clicks when suddenly there's a taxi parked in your lane. You'll honk but to no avail this guy will not budge. So now you have to switch lanes into heavy traffic, wait five minutes until you've passed the jerk and then switch back into your lane. It's irritating I tell you.  

They neglect to follow the rules of the road. Turn signals they don't use them. U-turns, they make them illegally. They cut people off. They honk inappropriately. Red lights, they run them. I've seen taxi's driving the wrong way down a one way street or reversing a full city block on a major street.  

 This is just the tip of the ice burg folks. I could start a new blog on the stupid things I've seen taxi's do. But don't worry, I won't. This concludes my spiel on why taxi's are similar to mosquitoes. All in all, I'd take a mosquito over a taxi any day of the week.

Driving a bus, (almost) anyone can do it.

2010-11-01T04:20:00.002-07:00

Getting to my terminus stop, I step outside the bus to stretch my legs a bit. Hearing a horn sound, I look up just in time to witness a BMW SUV cut off another car in order to get into the turning lane. As she turns, I wince as the back end bounces over the curb and comes within a coat of paint of grazing the lamp stand. Fascinated, I continue watching this woman as she attempts to parallel park. She sets up so incredibly improperly that it looked as though she were trying to back straight into the curb. Well lo and behold, that's actually what she did but she didn't stop there, she kept reversing until both rear tires were resting on the curb. She pulled forward and cranks the wheel hard and tries again. This time she was more parallel rather than perpendicular but it still wasn't enough as she backed over the curb again (only with one wheel though). At this point I checked my watch. 10:37. At 10:44 she finally manages to "park" the SUV. Now when I say park, I mean the car was mostly parallel with the curb and only about a metre and a half away.  

The woman looks up, sees me and walks over. "Excuse me. Do you like being a bus driver?" she asked. "Yeah, I love it." I reply. "That's good to hear. I was thinking about being one because I like driving a lot. Since they seem to hire quite a few females, I figure I have a good chance. What kind of qualifications do they want?" she asked. I'm afraid at this point in the conversation my jaw dropped. Well for starters the ability to drive would be useful. "How old are you?" I asked. "Twenty" she said. Damn, I was hoping she was too young to be qualified. "Do you have a full license?" I asked. "No, I go for my test in another year" she replied. "Sorry, but you'll need to have a full license before you even apply and it is a six to twelve month hiring process. They do a very thorough back ground check." I told her. "Really? That sucks. I was hoping to have a job by next week." She said. "Why don't you try the mall, I'm sure there are lots of stores willing to hire you by next week" I said. "Oh, okay. I never even thought of that. Thanks." She said.

The skateboarder

2010-11-01T04:20:00.001-07:00

On my way through downtown, I spot a skateboarder in the lane ahead of me. Seeing as I had quite a bit of extra time I decide to slow down and let this guy cruise (ride? skate? I'm not sure of the correct terminology) along. Glancing behind him he notices me and moves over so I can pass him. Making eye contact, I wave thanks at him. As I pull up beside him he then gives me the finger. Heh? Where did that come from? "Cunt! Dyke! Bitch! Lesbian! Go to hell you nazi bus driver!" He yells at me. I respond by closing the window. This guy's anger towards me is wholly misplaced. I could have been a dick and honked at him to move but I didn't. I decided to be nice and he responds with hatred. It's these sort of situations that baffle me. You give someone kindness and they throw it back in your face.

Haunted bus?

2010-11-01T04:19:00.002-07:00

Getting into my last stop of the evening, I unload the last of my passengers and do a walk thru to ensure there isn't any lost property. Seeing as the bus is empty and devoid of any interesting articles that someone has left behind, I hop back in the drivers seat and continue on my merry way back to the depot. A couple of blocks later I hear the bell chime. Confused I look down at my dashboard and see that indeed, the next stop light is illuminated. I pull into the next stop and check the bus once again for forgotten passengers. I am greeted with an empty bus. Electrical malfunction or bus possession?

Sorry, it's another taxi rant.

2010-11-01T04:19:00.001-07:00

My piece of work for this evening consisted of approximately four hours of actual driving time. Anyone care to take a guess as to how many taxi's I honked at that were parked in bus stops during that time? Did you guess seven? Because that's how many there were. I realise it's Friday night and it's really busy for them but it's also really busy for us. Our service is significantly slower when we have to wait for a taxi to get out of our spot. If you're a taxi driver and you're reading this, I have a message for you. STOP PARKING/LOADING/UNLOADING IN BUS STOPS!!!!! And I'm not the only bus driver pissed off at you guys, every other driver I know also hates you. Sometimes I wish that I had rocket launchers mounted on the front of the bus.... 

On my last run of the evening I lost my poles (I was driving a trolley. The poles run on the overhead wires from which we get our power source). There are a variety of reasons for why the poles occasionally come off (I'll write more about the mechanics of trolleys in another rant). In my case, I went through a finicky switch where trolley's lose their poles as often as they stay on. Now this switch is located on a major six lane road and it happened at about 1:30am so needless to say it was quite dark out. I donned my hi vis safety vest and went outside the bus to reattach my poles. There was a fair bit of traffic at this point but most cars saw me and the bus with the hazard lights on and switched into the far lane. That is except for one car...a taxi. I was looking up trying to line the poles up with the wire (of course it was pouring rain at the time, so it made it rather difficult to see clearly) when I hear a car approaching. I look back just in time to see/feel a taxi speed by me. He must have been doing about seventy kmh. He came so close to me that the side of his car actually brushed my pant leg. This honestly was one of the scariest moments of my life. I'd never been that close to being hit by a car before. Luckily I survived unscathed. And I'm still alive to tell anyone who will listen how terrible taxi drivers are.

Yeah, I am a bitch part 2

2010-11-01T04:18:00.002-07:00

It's my last run of the evening and I only had four teenagers on the bus. Like most teenagers these ones weren't the brightest crayons in the box. When they got on the bus they were discussing which stop they needed to get off at and they had asked me how far it was. I told them it was about ten minutes away. A little while later the bell chimes. Okay, maybe they aren't all getting off at the same stop. I pull into the stop and no one gets off. Ha Ha. Very funny. You got me. I pull away when the bell chimes again. Maybe they just rang the bell for the wrong stop and they were too embarrassed to say anything. I pull in and once again, no one gets off. I look in the riot mirror and see them laughing hysterically. God, you guys are hilarious. I can't stop laughing. As I start driving again, the bell chimes again. "Is someone actually getting off the bus or am I just pulling into stops for practice?" I ask. "Yeah, someones getting off here, don't worry" they tell me. Anyone want to take a guess as to what happened? Yeah, I pull in and no one gets off. Surprise, surprise. I don't know why I even bother listening to teens. Continuing along, I continue to reset the chime as soon as they ring it. Eventually they realize that I'm not going to fall for it again and they stop ringing the bell. A few minutes later we approach the stop that I know they're getting off at. I hear the bell ring and I keep driving. I pass about four bus stops before one of the teens finally comes up to the front to tell me I've missed the stop. "Oh, I am so terribly sorry, I didn't even hear the bell." I say. For some strange reason this guy seemed to think I was being genuine and honestly didn't realise that they wanted off the bus. I pull into the stop and let them off to begin their long walk home. Moral of the story, don't fuck with me because I have the power to decide when to stop and let you off!

Yeah, I am a bitch

2010-11-01T04:18:00.001-07:00

A few days ago I pull into a stop and load up all the passengers. As I'm pulling out, I spot a man running for the bus. Seeing as it's quite late and the next bus won't come for another half an hour, I cancel my turn signal and pull back into the stop. I guess the guy didn't think that I was going to stop for him because as I open my door all I hear is the guy yelling "Fuck you! Fuck you, you stupid bitch!" Looking in my mirror I see him throwing garbage at the bus. He then realises that I've stopped for him and starts running towards the bus. In the meantime, I'm thinking, Do I really want someone this angry and violent on my bus? I'm doing him a favour and he's treating me like this...I don't think so. "Don't swear at me and don't throw stuff at my bus!" I tell him. As he approaches the front doors, I shut them in his face, give him a huge smile, a sarcastic wave and drive away without him.

Sir or ma'am?

2010-11-01T04:17:00.002-07:00

Let me just start off by stating the overly obvious. Men are called sir and women are called ma'am. I know, it's not that hard of a concept to grasp; yet so many seem seem unable to get it. 

The other day I pull into a stop and let everyone off. As I'm pulling away I hear from the back of the bus "Sir, open the rear doors". I pull back into the stop and reply "It's ma'am and the rear doors were open. You just need to push the handle." A little while later as I'm pulling out of another stop I hear "Sir, You're forgetting someone". I reply "Once again, it's not sir, it's ma'am and once I have my turn signal on and I'm pulling away, I don't stop. It's dangerous and confusing to the traffic around me." Later as the guy gets off the bus he says "Thanks for the ride sir, have a great day". Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Do I look that much like a man, or is he just tormenting me?

Cute kids

2010-11-01T04:17:00.001-07:00

This happened last summer. Two teachers got on the bus with their preschool group of about twenty children. They settled themselves in the back of the bus. The kids decided that they should sing some songs. Unfortunately their repertoire of songs wasn't very large. They started out with twinkle, twinkle little star and then moved on to happy birthday. They ended up singing happy birthday to everyone on the bus before disembarking. It was adorable having all of these five year olds sing their hearts out. On the downside, I ended up having happy birthday stuck in my head the remainder of the day. I didn't even know it was possible to have that song stuck in your head.

Kudos

2010-11-01T04:16:00.000-07:00

Driving down the street just after one in the morning I come to a stop at a green light. Well the three taxi's in front of me stopped first and I had no choice but to follow suit. I try to look past the taxi's to see what the hold up is but am unable to see anything. The first driver gets out of his car walks around the front, gets back in and drives away. As the two remaining taxi's move forward I get a glimpse of what's going on.  

A block away is a pub, notorious for their beer but not in a good way. Anyone who drinks this vile liquid, that they claim to be beer, ends up drunk in such a way that they do things that are above and beyond drunken stupidity. Believe me, I know this for a fact as I have consumed this not so tasty beverage and consequentially have committed some of the dumbest acts known to man. That being said whenever something in the area goes awry it's usually the fault of this beer.  

The drunkards (No, I didn't see it happen and yes I am assuming it was them and not magical faeries) took it upon themselves to block off the street with various items they had scavenged from the construction site next to the pub. The first taxi driver moved two pylons, leaving enough space for his car to fit through before taking off. Seeing as I'm only five minutes behind schedule, I throw on the parking brake and hazard lights, ask my passengers to stay put on the bus and hop off to remove this road block.  

It's a good thing that I didn't go with my initial idea of just driving through the pylons as there were several items that could do damage to my bus had I tried to drive through them. Another taxi driver and myself worked harmoniously together (while cursing the bastards who did this...under our breath of course) and moved five more pylons, a big orange barricade (like the size of the cement ones but plastic), a few pieces of rebar, and a roll of metal fencing material.  

So kudos to you guys. You blocked traffic. You held everyone up. And you forced me to do some weight lifting.

The circus

2010-11-01T04:14:00.000-07:00

What do you think of when you hear the word circus? Large crowds? Bright costumes? People performing amazing tricks? Well my route contained all of these things. At the end of the night I was wondering if I had mistakenly joined the circus.  

I pick up my bus on the road and usually it shows up a couple of minutes late. Tonight was no exception. As the driver pulled into the stop I saw that he had the people crammed on there like sardines. I swear there were people pressed up against the front windshield. Being as it's a fairly major stop about half of the passengers disembarked. One woman got off carrying about four hula hoops. I'm not too sure what she was doing with that many. Perhaps she's a street performer.  

The driver got off and I took control of the wheel. At the next stop one woman gets on and I have trouble keeping a straight face. It was the first week of October, closer to Halloween than say Christmas, but not that close. This woman was wearing a lavender jester outfit with an ankle length cloak. Perched atop her head is a matching lavender witches hat complete with about 20 silk flowers and a two foot long feather (also lavender). "Wow! You sure are colourful. Are you on your way to a party?" I ask. "Nope. I just finished work" She replies. With no further explanation she heads to the back of the bus and grabs a seat.

Continuing along I pull into a stop downtown where a man in a wheelchair awaits me. I put on my hazards and start lowering the bus, before I can put out the ramp he interrupts me. "Don't worry about all of that jazz, I can manage" He says. He does manage, quite well. He takes a run and in one smooth motion hops his entire wheelchair onto the bus. Holy shit, this guy's good. Little did I know he had more tricks up his sleeve. When we get to his stop I ask if he wants me to put out the ramp for him. "Nope, I don't need no ramp and don't lower the bus this time" He tells me. He then gathers speed and flies out the door. He got about two feet of air. He ends up landing on two wheels and does a one eighty so that he's facing me. "How'd you like that?" he asks. He takes off before I can say anything but I could smell the burnt rubber he left on the pavement.  

 For about an hour nothing out of the ordinary happened and I was starting to accept the fact that I was just driving a bus and not enjoying a circus performance. Glancing out my window I notice a man walking down the street. Something seems to be amiss but I can't quite put my finger on it. Suddenly it hits me. I'm looking at a stark naked man. He didn't even have socks on his feet. I immediately look out the other window, hoping that no one else on the bus noticed the nudist. Not even two seconds later I hear a gaggle of girls start shrieking. "Oh my god, he's naked! HA HA HA! And it's cold out, no wonder I thought it was a woman at first!"  

Maybe I am in a circus??? 

And the highlights of the rest of the night...A group of guys grunting while crushing beer cans on their chest. And a creepy lady giving me homemade candy....She reminded me of the witch who gave snow white the poisonous apple.

Suicidal skunks.

2010-11-01T04:13:00.000-07:00

Arriving at one of my timing point slightly ahead of schedule, I park the bus and sit back in my seat to wait out the required two minutes. A woman standing at the front of the bus points out a skunk wandering down the sidewalk. "I hope he doesn't go out on the road" she comments. Seeing as my time is up, I release the brakes and pull out of the stop. I spy the skunk hanging out where it's safe on the sidewalk. Good. Maybe animals aren't as dumb as I thought. When I'm about five metres from the skunk he chooses to try and run across the road. I end up just missing him. The overenthusiastic animal lover at the front sobs "You just about hit the poor skunk"   

We're trained to run over animals. I know that sounds bad but think about it for a minute. I have a bus full of people that could potentially fall and injure themselves if I swerve suddenly. Also I have to be aware of the other traffic on the road. Of course, I'm not going to try to run over an animal, I will do everything in my power to avoid hitting it but when it comes down to it, my passengers and other motorists are my number one priority. I mean if it were a larger animal, say a moose, I wouldn't hit it but smaller animals...it's just like going over a speed bump. This skunk probably eats garbage anyways. I'd be doing someone a favour by hitting it, they wouldn't have to clean up the trash it got into overnight.  

On my return trip about two miles from where I first spotted the skunk another (or perhaps the same one) darted out in front of the bus. Luckily my bus empty and the streets devoid of any traffic so I was able to miss him easily. Hmmm. That's odd, I've hardly ever seen a skunk in the city and tonight I see two.  

About an hour and a half later on the other side of the city I just about collide, yet again, with a skunk. What the hell is going on here? Three skunks running in front of my bus in less than four hours? Then it hits me. I know what's going on here. These skunks are part of a cult and their leader has promised eternal life if everyone can kill themselves by midnight. Mystery solved.

Heh?

2010-11-01T04:12:00.000-07:00

I pull into a stop and a woman gets on the bus, digging through her purse to find her pass. She glances up at me and immediately starts backing off the bus. "Ummm. It's okay, I'll wait for the next bus" She says. "You realise that it's not going to come for about half an hour?" I ask. "Uhh, Yeah that's okay. I'd prefer to wait." she responds. I'm not too sure what her issue was. Most people that refuse to get on are males that have a problem with a female driver and usually they will tell it to my face. It's very rare (I've only had it happen once) where a female will refuse to ride with me because of my sex. It's entirely possible that I scared her off for a different reason altogether. My lip ring? The fact that I look like I'm sixteen years old? Who knows. Her loss.

Part 2:

Remember the post where the woman refused to get on my bus for some reason? Well tonight I pull into a stop and she's there. Once again she walks to the doors of my bus, looks at me and says "Umm, I think I'll just wait for the next bus". Why on earth would anyone want to wait in the cold rain for half an hour?

Show a little respect, that's all I ask.

2010-11-01T04:07:00.000-07:00

It's 2008, a time, where for the most part, males and females have equal opportunity. We're allowed to vote, we can work in any vocation we choose to, and we have the same rights as our male counterparts. I realize that males and females are created differently. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Myself, I'm not a strong person - I barely passed the physical test to be a bus driver (lifting fifty pounds and five push ups) but other women I know posses the strength to do hard, physical labour that some men aren't even capable of. It's just a matter of finding out what you're good at and enjoy doing. I'm lucky, I've found my niche. I'm a good driver and love working with the public. It's a wonderful time to be a female considering the fact that about a hundred years ago we weren't even allowed to vote. That being said, it frustrates me to no end when I run into someone who lives in the past; the type of person who believes that females were just put on this earth to cook, clean and produce offspring.    

The company that currently employs me has quite a few female drivers. Out of over 3500 drivers, I'd say at least one third are female. So it's not a novelty to see a woman driving a bus in this city and yet so many people treat me as though I were a two headed giraffe or something. Seeing as I already receive so much unwanted attention, I do my best to play down my sex appeal as much as possible. I rarely wear make up to work, my hair is usually in a pony tail, my clothes are not skin tight and I make sure my shirt is always buttoned up well past my cleavage. During the summer months I opt to not wear the shorts the company provides (seeing as they cover less than half of my thigh) and choose instead the more demure capri's. Even with me trying to show as little skin as possible, I still am constantly bombarded with men (and occasionally women) acting inappropriately towards me.

    On my way to work today, walking down the street in my ill fitting uniform (it's too big on me.) and my men's winter jacket (also way too big) I bump into a man about the same age as me. He looks me up and down and comments "On your way to work?" "Yup" I reply. "You work at the gas station?" he asks. Pointing at the rather large logo embroidered into my jacket I say "No, I'm a bus driver." "Oh, that must suck. Are you going to go back to school so you can get a real job?" he asks. "I've been to school and this is my real job" I reply. This isn't the first time I've heard this question. Being a bus driver is a great job. It pays well, it's challenging, I have amazing benefits and it's a blast. "Hey, has anyone ever told you you're beautiful?" he asks. Yes. A million times. It's the men that tell me I'm smart that get my attention. "Thank you" I reply. "No, I mean it. You're one of the hottest chicks I've seen" he says. Glancing at my watch, I reply "Thanks again, but I'm late for work. See ya." "Goodbye, gorgeous" he shouts after me as I'm walking away. I may be single but I'm not desperate. I'm quite picky about the guys I date.    

Later as I'm waiting to pick up my bus I notice this older (55-60yrs old) east indian man staring at me. Making eye contact he approaches me and asks when the bus will arrive. I tell him in about ten minutes. "Oh, that is very good, you are very nice. Are you going on that bus?" he asks. "No, I'm grabbing the one behind" I say. "Where do you live?" he asks. "That's information you don't need to know." I say. By this time, I was starting to get a little disturbed, he kept edging closer and closer to me until i was pinned between the wall and the mailbox. Looking around, I see that my exit is almost completely blocked and the closest people are about half a block away; too far to notice if anything happens. Suddenly he grabs my face and tries to pull it towards his telling me I'm beautiful. I wrench my self free from his grip and start pushing past him so I can escape. He grabs my arm and says "If you don't mind, would you like to come back to my house and play with me?" "NO!" I reply and with renewed force push past him and run into a shop to wait where there are people and proper lighting.  

Slightly shaken up I decide to call dispatch not because I'm traumatized but just to warn them of this man who's going to get on the bus. If it's another female operator, I don't want her going through the same experience as me and who knows, this guy could be a pedophile or a rapist. I get through to dispatch and explain what happened. The dispatcher responds immediately "Stay in the shop and I'm going to keep you on the line until security arrives." Within two minutes I see the security car pull up and I hang up the phone and go outside. The three guards ask me what happened and get a description. A supervisor had shown up by this point and security left me with him telling him not to take his eyes off me while they searched the surrounding area. Within five minutes two more supervisors and another security car had arrived. They asked me if I was okay to drive and if I needed counselling. "Nah, I'm fine." I reply.  

It's so refreshing to finally be working for a company that treats their employees well. They take this sort of situation very seriously and their first priority is their drivers. So many people ask me if I'm scared driving at night through rough neighbourhoods and I always reply that I feel perfectly safe. It's the support team that I have and all of the safety measures in place that makes me feel as though I'm not alone. All of the buses are tracked by GPS so they know where we are at any given time. They are also equipped with an assault button, cameras and microphones that way dispatch can see and hear what's happening on the bus.

  A couple of hours later security meets me at one of my stops just to see if I'm doing okay. They tell me they got a tip from another driver about this guy and now know his regular route and where he works. As they were telling me this, they had another security unit parked at the stop where the man normally gets on, ready to intercept him. Getting back to the yard a few drivers ask how my night was. "Well it started off kind of weird but after that it was fine" I say. "Were you the driver who got assaulted while waiting for your bus?" one guy asks. "No, I wasn't actually assaulted." I say and explain the whole story. "He touched you, that's assault." the other driver says. Shrugging my shoulders I say "Well I guess I was then." It's amazing how fast the rumours get started!  

To all of the men out there, please stop looking at me like a sex object and let me do my job.

Oops!

2010-11-01T04:06:00.000-07:00

So I just about got into an accident earlier today. I know exactly what you're thinking....What?? No way! She drives around all day and just about gets into an accident. Pshht, and she calls herself a professional.

  It was a fairly close call, and I will admit that if an accident had occurred it would have been solely my fault. By solely I mean it was my fault for assuming (wrongly) that the other driver would actually drive as the rules of the road dictate. Allow me to elaborate.

  At a bus stop, I hear sirens; so naturally I wait until the rescue truck and ambulance pass me before I pull back into traffic. About two blocks later I approach the scene of the accident. A car had been t-boned in an intersection (Seriously people, pay more attention!! You don't even understand how many avoidable accidents I've seen happen in intersections) leaving only one lane open. After waiting a few moments, it's our turn to go. The car ahead of me starts moving forward and as we're nearing forty kmh they suddenly decide to slow down to an almost standstill so they can get a better look at the accident. Stupid, fuckin' rubbernecker. Goddamn it, move your ass! I was just so happy to be moving again, looking ahead to the next bus stop and NOT expecting this idiot to slam on his brakes in front of me, that much to my chagrin I ended up coming within half a foot of this guy's bumper.

  The thing is, I should have known better, people are naturally curious; I really shouldn't have expected this guy to drive at a reasonable speed past an accident. But I did, I made a mistake. I'm just lucky, I didn't hit him. Although, that would have been slightly funny to have two separate accidents in the same intersection. And who knows it could have been like a chain reaction and our accident causing another and another and another....

Probation

2010-11-01T04:01:00.000-07:00

My probation is finished. Complete. 900 driving hours done. This doesn't include on duty time, solely time where my butt was parked in the seat with my hands at ten and two on the steering wheel. I can't even begin to express how utterly relieved and happy I am to have put this probation behind me (I felt as though I were walking on eggshells). For a while, I wasn't even sure if I were going to make it through.

  While on probation, the company can fire me for any reason whatsoever and the union has their hands tied; they can't do shit all for you. But once you're finished, it's virtually impossible to get canned. Basically the only way it can be done is if you're caught stealing from the company, lose your license or have too many preventables (I know some people who have had five preventable collisions in less than a year and they're still here). We have a strong union and they'll fight hard for you.

  Most drivers fill out about two -three incident reports a year. I've been here since the summer and I've filled out countless reports. My total is ten. Yeah, you read that correctly ten in five months. I'm lucky though, I haven't had any preventable collisions; I just have bad luck - things seem to happen to me.
 I've been passed by two trolleys who forgot that you can't pass another trolley and they've knocked my poles off and broken either the pole or the rope.  
I had my poles hit by a semi and had him knock the poles off, and break my rope. The rope ended up wrapped around two sets of overhead wire, forcing all of the trolleys to pull their poles to get past me.  
There was a man who got off my bus, jaywalked across the street and got smoked by a car right in front of my windshield.
 I once lost my poles on a turn and had one stuck on a support wire. I don't know if you've ever seen a trolley lose it's poles, they come off with velocity. We ended up having to call the line crew to get the pole off the wire.  
I had a drunk man somersault down the aisle of the bus when I started moving. 
I've had a van hit me from behind and knock his mirror off. I've my mirror hit by a passing truck. And those are just some of the incidents I've had.

For a while, it seemed that I was in my supervisor's office every other week discussing some incident that I'd had.  On top of all of that drama, I've missed quite a bit of work. I was sick for a while and then threw my back out again.   While on probation, you should be showing your best side to the company. You have to prove to them that they were right in hiring you. Looking at my record, I would have canned me a while back. Luckily, I have an amazingly understanding supervisor who realised that underneath all the drama, I am a good employee. I think it also helped that I've had a few accommodations from passengers!

  Growing up my idea of what I wanted to do when I grew up changed on an almost daily basis. I'm pretty sure I drove my parents and friend's mad with all of my new harebrained ideas. "I'll just go to this school and get this certificate/degree/diploma and then I'll be set. I'll be happy and rich and successful..." I don't think I've ever met anyone as flighty and indecisive as myself. I was just counting the jobs that I've had since I was sixteen (these don't include baby sitting or paper routes, and those three summers at the same place count as one) and the grand total is 22. Yeah, I've had 22 jobs in nine years.   

I must say though having held job 22 for half a year now, I don't envision myself moving onto number 23 anytime soon. I've never once held a job that I've quite enjoyed so much. I can't believe that I've already accumulated 900 driving hours. It still feels like I've just started here.

  Sure, I have bad days, everyone does, the important thing is that I have more good days than bad. I have built remarkable relationships with amazing people and not so remarkable relationships with some not so amazing people. I've had people turn my day around with a kind word and a smile and I've in turn done the same for others. I've seen things that I wished I hadn't (Like the junkie sitting at the bus stop sticking the needle into his vein. I was horrified and yet so transfixed, I couldn't pull my eyes away for the life of me. It was the most fascinatingly, repulsive thing I've ever seen in my entire life. It makes me both thankful that I'm not, nor have I ever been in his situation and at the same time ashamed for the fact that I'm clean, sober, have a good job, a roof over my head and enough to eat. I should be doing more to help them) and I've seen some amazing acts of generosity and kindness (The people who give up their seats for the elderly, the man in the wheelchair who opted to wait for the next bus because I was a few minutes late and he didn't want to make me later).   

Being a bus driver can be an incredibly stressful job, if you let it. There's a joke that most bus drivers only get about six months of their retirement before croaking. Unfortunately it tends to be mostly true. Here we have this high stress job that we work at for so long and then it's over and you retire. Your body starts to relax and all of the years of stress catch up to you. It's a scary thought, I don't want to die young. This is one of the reasons I've started this blog. I just wanted an outlet to vent. I'm overwhelmed that it's been so popular with people, I didn't expect that. I'm getting emails asking when the next entry is, if I haven't written in a while. It's an added bonus because as much as I love driving, I also love writing and being able to share my experiences with others. Be warned though, for me this blog is, first and foremost an outlet to share my emotions whether they be anger, tears, giddiness, frustration, rage, excitement, or happiness. Not every entry will be funny, some will be sad or just plain angry but it's the way I'm feeling and I need to get it out.   Thank you for reading this and your continual support.

The bum

2010-11-01T03:59:00.002-07:00

A bum gets on my bus and asks "Can I have a ride, I lost my bus pass". "It's a fare paid zone, if you want to take the risk of getting a $173 ticket, then go right ahead" I reply. I never say yes or no outright. A lot of drivers will say no. I won't. Most driver assaults occur because of fare disputes so if I inform rather than enforce, and by doing so I reduce the chances of something happening to me.   

The bum gets on and takes a seat. I'm not deaf but I do have trouble hearing if there's a lot of background noise. I was driving a diesel bus (not exactly the quietest bus in the fleet) and since it was cold I had the heat and the fans on. The bum moves from his seat to stand behind me and says "I really don't appreciate you ignoring me, I'm a human being as well" "I'm sorry, sir. I just don't hear very well, can you repeat what you said" I reply. "I just hope that the people in this city learn a little bit more respect." he says. "Really? I thought most people in this city were fairly nice/respectful etc..." I say. "Where I'm from a bus driver would NEVER speak to me the way you just spoke to me. They actually have manners and understand that it's not our fault we're in this situation. Hell you should be paying me to ride your bus. I can't believe that you would speak to me like that. It's young people like you that are ruining the world." he rants. "Sir, I honestly did not mean any disrespect. I let you have a ride, most drivers wouldn't allow that but I did. I was just informing you of the risks you're taking by getting on the bus without a ticket. What if someone had got on and checked fares and you received a ticket? You could then blame me for not telling you that could happen. I just believe that everyone that rides the bus without a fare needs to know the potential consequences." I reply. "You fucking bitch. You think you're so high and mighty...looking down on people like me? You don't know what it's like!" he yells. He then got off the bus before I could even say a word.   

On one hand it is quite sad that there are so many homeless in the city but on the other hand I think a lot of them need to take more responsibility for their actions instead of blaming others. I do believe that the government needs to provide more low income housing instead of tearing it all down. And I know our minimum wage is too low to allow people to live above the poverty line. It's been frozen for four years; I think they need to increase it by at least ten dollars in order to give people a fighting chance. This is an expensive city to live in and they need to start realising that. Either raise minimum wage or provide more low income housing. It is hard for me to be sympathetic sometimes. I've gotten to know quite a few of these bums. Some of them, for instance the one that just reamed me out, just choose to not work. There are so many jobs to be had in the city where you don't need to have an education. A lot of them even pay more than minimum wage. I asked one bum why he didn't work, and he said it was too stressful for him. I know for a fact he's clean, sober and in his right mind. Maybe I'm just not getting it. To me, I would find it more stressful to be on the streets; constantly worried about where I'm going to sleep, where my next meal's coming from etc. I also find there's a certain dignity in hard work. Sure it can be stressful and not every job is going to be a tiptoe thru the tulips, some are just going to suck but in my mind the fact that you've worked hard for your money and that you're honest makes up for that. I don't know, I personally couldn't handle begging for money. I need to retain some shred of dignity.

Brilliant idea.

2010-11-01T03:59:00.001-07:00

Looking ahead to the next stop, I see this light waving sporadically about. What?? That is one drunk, big ass firefly.... As I get closer to the stop, I see there's someone waiting there. Opening the doors I ask "were you waving your cell phone at me?" "Yup. The back light in the bus stop was burned out and I wanted to make sure you saw me" the man replied.   

Brilliant idea...literally!

Sorry, ma'am. I obviously wasn't thinking.

2010-11-01T03:58:00.000-07:00

I spot a woman with a cane waiting at a stop. Seeing as she is about a metre from the I.D. post, I pull up directly in front of her so she doesn't have to walk as far to get on. As she gets on she launches into a tirade about how drivers are supposed to stop directly in front of the I.D. post and how I wasn't doing my job properly. "I'm sorry ma'am. I just thought I would make it easier for you to get on the bus" I say. "You thought? You're a bus driver, you aren't paid to think. Now start doing your job properly before I call in and complain about you" she replies. Sometimes, I just want to laugh out loud at the things people say to me!

Where's the compassion?

2010-11-01T03:57:00.000-07:00

Driving onto the on ramp to go over the bridge I see an accident that must have occurred just minutes before I arrived. A car had lost control and ended up hitting the cement barricade head on. The car is blocking all of my lane and half of the other lane. I immediately stop the bus and get out to ensure that everyone is okay. I find out that it was a couple who was teaching their teenage daughter to drive when she lost control. No one is seriously injured from the collision and the car has been shut off to lessen the chances of a car-b-que happening. As I'm on the phone with communications telling them the street's blocked off and we need a tow truck and ambulance, I see a car switch lanes. It squeezes (with about an inch to spare on either side) between the barricade and the smashed car, drives over the debris and speeds away. Seconds later another car follows in it's path, and then another and another.    

A bus pulls up beside me and also tries to drive past the wreckage; he soon realizes that he won't fit and stops the bus. He gets out and the first thing that he asks is if they can push the car to the side of the road so that he can get by because he's on a tight schedule. I couldn't believe this guy! I'm on a tight schedule as well but the first thing I'm going to do is make sure that everyone is okay before I drive away. I understand the need to clear the road so that traffic isn't held up but that's not the priority. And besides we were just about to push the car to the side, we were just waiting for all of the impatient drivers to pass by.

    Now that it's safe, we push the car completely into the right side lane. The other bus driver immediately gets in his seat and tries to pull in front of me to get past the car. Unfortunately there isn't enough room, so he gestures impatiently for me to get going. I put the bus in gear and drive away. Half way across the bridge the other bus driver flies past me (the speed limit is 60, I'm doing about 62) and cuts me off (without a turn signal). He ends up making it to the stop about 20 seconds before I do.

    I really don't see what everyone's hurry is. Maybe there's something wrong with me. I spent all of two minutes at the scene of the accident, which I thought was quite reasonable. It seems like everyone is in such a hurry now adays; they can't even be bothered to stop and smell the roses let alone help someone out. The worst part of the whole experience is that another bus driver wasn't even willing to help the situation, all he cared about was staying on schedule. I think as professional drivers we should be the first to stop and offer help but then again, maybe I have my priorities mixed up....I'm just the crazy driver who cares about people's welfare.

Hooked on phonics, drivers edition.

2010-11-01T03:55:00.002-07:00

Stopping at a red light, a man comes up to the front of the bus to ask if he can be let off here instead of at the stop across the street. "Sorry, the light's about to change. I can't let you off." I say. The light changes two seconds later. "Wow, good call. You must be psychic or something" he says. "Umm, no. I just read the intersection" I replied. "huh?" he asks. "You don't drive? All you have to do is pay attention to the walk signal. Usually it flashes between 9 and 11 times (depending on the intersection) and then stays solid for five seconds. That way you know when the light's about to change and you can make a decision. If the light's green for me, I can tell approximately when it's going to change and based on where I am and the speed I'm going, so I can make a decision as to whether it's safe for me to proceed or not." I explain. "Wow, I've been driving for ten years and I never even thought to do that" he says. Wow! It never ceases to amaze me. Here I was under the impression that everyone read the intersection....I guess not. I wonder how many people drive like him???

Smart ass.

2010-11-01T03:55:00.001-07:00

These are some of the comments I've heard some of my colleagues (I may have also said one or two myself) say in response to stupid questions.... 

A passenger is standing in the doorway asking." Why is the bus late?" "Because people like you keep standing in the doorway asking why the bus is late"

 While waiting at the bus stop in uniform. 
"Do you work for the bus company?" 
"No, I just dress like this to get a free ride" 

"Excuse me, the number 999, how long is it?" "40 feet. (same as this bus)"

Oops I did it again, I broke a new bus.

2010-11-01T03:54:00.001-07:00

Making a right hand turn, I end up losing my poles. I hop off the bus and head to the rear of the coach to put them back up. I look up at them and notice that the wire that holds the shoe (the part that runs along the wire) in place is broken, leaving the shoe dangling from the end of the pole. There is absolutely no way I can drive the bus in this state. I get back in the seat and park it on the side of the road. "Sorry, folks. The pole is actually broken, so this bus will not being going to the university. If you wouldn't mind taking the bus behind me; it should be arriving in approximately ten minutes. Thank you for your patience and understanding" I announce. To my surprise my passengers are incredibly understanding and all get off the bus without grumbling. "Don't you worry dear, these things happen" one old lady comments.

  I sit back in my seat and start working on a sudoku puzzle while I wait for the mechanics to show up. Hearing a horn sound, I look up and notice a really cute guy in a truck waving at me. I open my window and he shouts across the street to me "I just had to tell you this. You are the hottest bus driver I've ever seen in my entire life" "Thanks" I reply. "We need more chicks like you driving buses, it'll entice everyone to ride transit! Have a good night" he says. "You too" I respond. With that he drives away, and I'm left with a warm fuzzy feeling.

I kissed a girl...no, a girl kissed me and I DIDN'T like it!

2010-11-01T03:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight my poles split three times. Whenever I went through a switch one pole would go on one wire while the one went on the other wire. It looked like they were trying to do the splits! The third and final (thank God) time that this happened was downtown. I told everyone to stay on the bus while I put the poles up on the correct wire. Since it happened downtown at approximately one in the morning, there was a fair bit of traffic. I ended up just about getting hit by a taxi (again). When I got back on the bus one girl commented that she had been praying for my safety and she thanked me for risking my life to get the bus moving again. As we approach her stop she comes up to the front of the bus and says "I love you! You're the best driver ever!" and she kisses me on the cheek. Now this wasn't just a friendly peck on the cheek, it was an open mouth, going full at, kiss on the cheek. To say the least I was disturbed by her show of emotion. Rule number one: if you're drunk, don't kiss the bus driver. It's not cool by any standards. Good thing I carry hand sanitizer with me!

Drunk #3

2010-11-01T03:51:00.000-07:00

As I'm pulling out of the bus loop, I see out of the corner of my eye a guy on the sidewalk giving me the finger. I do a double take. Sure enough, I was imagining it, he's just walking down the sidewalk. Wow, I must be really tired. I come to a stop at a red light, waiting to turn left. I see the guy (the same one I thought had flipped me the bird) walk over to the driver's side window of my bus. I never open my window to talk to someone. I've made the mistake before. More often than not, all they want to do is insult you or yell at you. I assume he wants my bus so I point to the bus stop and tell him I'll pick him up there. He gives me the finger. Maybe I wasn't hallucinating before? I look away - it only provokes them if you make eye contact. Suddenly he starts pounding on the window. He's hitting it so hard, I'm afraid it's going to break. All the while he's yelling that I'm a fuckin' bitch and a whore and he's going to kill me etc, etc, etc. I look over at him and see he's got the crazy eyes. You know, the ones that are so insane, they probably would kill you or do you bodily harm the first chance they get. The light turns green and I immediately start accelerating, hoping to put as much distance between myself and this psycho as possible.  

As I'm starting to make my turn he decides to start crossing the street. I come to a stop and wait for him to finish crossing. He also stops and motions angrily for me to proceed. I wave at him to cross first but he flat out refuses to move. Seeing as the light is about to change again, I start turning. Of course he moves further out into the crosswalk. My front end has cleared him but if I continue turning my back end is going to end up clipping him. (It's called off-tracking. Large vehicles turn differently than cars. Watch a bus or tractor-trailer make a turn sometime. The rear tires will never follow in the tracks of the front ones.)  

On top of this, I got stuck on an insulator. (Whenever the overhead wires cross, one set is insulated. Which means there is no power. We can't accelerate through these sections, we're only allowed to go 15kmh and we have to cover the brake. If for some reason you stop with your poles directly on the insulator, you'll have no power and you'll have to switch to EPU mode...battery power. Once you're past the insulator, the battery power shuts off and you have to stop and switch back to the regular power source. Essentially all I'm trying to say is it's a pain in the butt to get stuck on an insulator and it takes a fair bit of time to get past it.) Needless to say, I wasn't too happy with my current situation. By the time I've switched to EPU, he's approached my window and has started hitting it as hard as he can (and swearing, threatening to kill me and intermittently giving me the finger). I get the bus moved up a foot, past the insulator when the bus stops moving. I stop and switch back to the regular power source. I look over at the stop and see people waiting there. I could stop and pick them up but at this point I'm terrified that this psycho is going to try and get on the bus and to be honest I want to put as much distance between him and myself as possible. So I choose to not stop and keep going. As I start driving, this man grabs hold of my side mirror and starts running alongside the bus. FUCK!!! Now I have to stop. He's super drunk and if he falls and I run him over it's going to be my fault...My supervisor will string me up by the flagpole! I reluctantly come to a stop. He lets go and stumbles into oncoming traffic. Seeing my golden opportunity, I floor it and drive away. I park the bus a few blocks later and call communications explaining what happened. 

A supervisor shows up ten minutes later and asks if I'm okay to keep driving. I reply "Yeah, I'll be okay. I was a little shaken up but I didn't hit him and I wasn't hurt so it's all good." The police arrive a few minutes later and get a description of this guy. A couple hours later communications calls my bus and says "How you doing? I just thought you'd like to know the police caught the guy and threw him in the drunk tank." "Hey, good stuff. Thanks for letting me know." I reply. Man, my company is awesome!!!

Crazy bum

2010-11-01T03:48:00.000-07:00

A man gets on the bus and starts whining about how he can't afford the fare. He then looks up at me and says "Wow, You are the hottest bus driver I've ever seen in my entire life. Has anyone ever told you that before?" I don't know what it is but over the past month, it seems like every single day someone tells me I'm hot. It's not like I put any effort into my appearance. I wear a blue polyester uniform...I mean who actually looks good in polyester? NO ONE!!!

  On my return trip, guess who I pick up? Yeah, you guessed right. The bum with tattoos up his neck and on his face. "Hey gorgeous. I'm glad I got you again" He says. He's only glad to see me because he knows I'll give him a free ride! "I'm going to sit up front here so I can talk to you." He says. I don't respond. He pulls out a book and starts reading. We get to his stop and as he's getting off he says "Hey, let's go for drinks later tonight. We'll go wherever you want to go." HA! He's got quite the sense of humour. He can't even afford bus fare, how the hell is he going to afford to take me out for drinks? I've got quite expensive taste. "Yeah, sure, I'll meet you as soon as I'm finished work." I reply. I then shut the doors and drive away. I have to stop at a red light and the bum walks across the street in front of my bus. He stops, blows on the windshield so it fogs up, draws a heart and mouths I love you. Awwww!! How fuckin' romantic is that? I'm so in love with you, I'll bear your children....BAH HA HA! Yeah right!   All I have to say is...Why me?

Happy Holidays.

2010-11-01T03:46:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. A time where everyone is jolly (grumpy), people are more considerate (traffic's worse, gotta honk and flip the bird more), and everyone's in the spirit to celebrate the birth of Christ (Fuck you, you stupid bitch! Why the hell is the bus late? I've got Christmas shopping to do). Ahhh, Christmas time...gotta love it (hate it).  

On every bus in the city we have signs stating which bus we are and where we're heading. We can also program the signs to flash certain messages (Sorry, bus full, Happy holidays, Go (random sports team) go, Amber alert, listen to radio etc...). We have a few different buses in our fleet and on each one the signage is posted differently. For example on the older buses in order to get the "Sorry, bus full" sign to flash you had to push PR #3, whereas on the newer ones you have to push the PR #2 to get the same message. It can be quite confusing, especially if you're new.

Last July, I was waiting to pick up my bus when another bus came by. He was packed to the gunnels (so full, he couldn't possibly let another soul on) and I noticed his sign said "#999 to Main st/Happy holidays" I cracked up as soon as I saw it. Obviously, there aren't any significant holidays happening in July and yet this bus was wishing everyone happy holidays. It happens. Bus drivers aren't perfect we make mistakes as well. I'm just happy that this one was incredibly hilarious and not tragic.   It's only the beginning of December and yet the traffic has increased ten fold, and people's patience has significantly decreased. I only relish the thought of what's yet to come as we get closer to Christmas. Oooh. Maybe it'll snow soon. That'll be fun! "OMG!! What's all this white stuff?? I forgot how to drive." = Entire city gridlocked! Good times to be had!

Fixie and Chubby

2010-11-01T03:45:00.001-07:00

Last night I stop and pick up two guys (late twenties-early thirties). The one guy gets on, pays, and then stands there staring at me. WHAT??? Do I have something on my face??? His buddy finishes loading his bike on the bike rack and enters the bus. I'm going to give these guys nicknames, so it makes it easier. The one who had the bike, we'll call him fixie (cuz he rode a fixed gear bike) and the other one, we'll call him chubby (I don't think you need an explanation as to why I called him this). Fixie looks me up and down, pumps his fist in the air and shouts "YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!" I give him a perplexed look. Do I know him from somewhere?? "We got the coolest bus driver ever!!!" Fixie comments to Chubby. "I know!! I was going to wait until we sat down before I said anything" Chubby replies. They go and sit down and begin discussing me, assuming wrongly that I'm unable to hear them.   

Fact: The windscreen of the bus acts as a sound deflector. I can hear most everything that's said on the bus. So bear that in mind the next time you're on your cell phone in the back of the bus, discussing, in vivid detail, your little std problem. I can hear you...oh and I am laughing at you!!!  

A small excerpt from their conversation... Fixie: I've been on her bus before and she always looks so hot. Chubby:Yeah, I'm really glad we decided to take the bus tonight.  Fixie:She's always so nice to everyone...  blah, blah, blah....  

A few minutes later Chubby gets off the bus. A few stops later, we get to a timing point. I get on the P.A. and announce that we'll be here for three minutes. Fixie takes this opportunity to come up to the front of the bus and start talking to me. He gets off at the last stop so we end up talking for about half an hour about art, movies, people etc.... He's from the other side of the country and he tells me how confusing it was when he first got here trying to learn the traffic laws. For instance, where he's from, a flashing green light means it's an advanced green for people turning left whereas here it's a pedestrian controlled intersection. So he ended up just about getting into accidents trying to turn left, while wondering why no one was yielding to him. As he gets off the bus he hands me a piece of paper with his name and number on it and says "If you want to hang out sometime, give me a call."

  Do I call him or not?

My brain....it's melting....

2010-10-26T22:23:00.000-07:00

Three weeks of vacation is over *sigh* but on the plus side I do have some new stories to tell. After only one day? Yes. What'd ya expect? Me to have a normal day at work? I've learned that this is near impossible for me.

First this little old woman gets on my bus and immediately starts lecturing me about all of my tattoos saying that it's wrong and immoral, yadda, yadda, yadda. The main point of her rant was the fact that it's scientifically proven (she made it up) that the ink from tattoos will seep into the brain causing the person's reaction time to slow so incredibly that it would be a miracle if I were still able to drive a bus in two years.

During rush hour traffic a bmw ended up sitting in the middle of an intersection where I was waiting to make a left hand turn. A few impatient passengers asked me why I didn't just go around him. My response: it's basic physics people. There is no possible way I can make this turn without hitting both the car and the lampstand. Since he was blocking all traffic, I honk at him and motion for him to go through the intersection. He ignores me. One passenger piped up "they must have been handing out drivers licenses when you spend over 50,000 dollars on a car"!

A short while later, I was driving in the left hand lane beside a right hand ONLY turning lane. As I cross the intersection, I put on my indicator and move over to the bus stop. One car decided that he didn't need to obey traffic laws and proceeded to drive straight instead of turning like he was supposed to. Naturally, I cut him off. I'm bigger, he wasn't obeying the law and quite frankly he deserved it. Of course he honked; probably gave me the finger as well. No big deal, it's all part of driving a bus. But then he switched lanes, PARKED his car next to me and layed on his horn. What did I do? What any girl would do in that situation...blew him a kiss! It worked, he got even more pissed off and drove away while I didn't ruin my professional image by flipping him the bird.

A drag queen then gets on my bus and let me tell you, he was gorgeous! He tells me that my make up is better than any girl or guy's he has ever seen in the city! It made my night! Not even two seconds later a homeless man proposed to me. I swear I've had more marriage proposals than britney spears...too bad they're all from bums!

Finally my shift is over and I'm on my way back to the yard. As I'm merging onto one of the many bridges in the city, the poles come off the wire. Now this is very possibly the most dangerous spot in the whole city to have to get out of a bus and put the poles back up. Luckily there was another bus behind me that managed to block a lot of the traffic. Some cars still made it through though. Let me tell you, putting poles up while trying to avoid getting hit by cars doing more than 70kms is not fun. Luckily, I survived and am able to tell the story.

The end.

Ask the driver; we're the original google.

2010-09-26T05:02:00.000-07:00

This crack whore gets on my bus and she's all pissy because she's lost her pipe. I kindly tell her to stop whining and to take a seat. A few stops later, I see the woman standing up at the back of the bus with her fists raised threatening to kill another one of my passengers. I not so kindly tell her to calm down or I'll kick her off. "Shut the fuck up cunt, you can't do anything to me!" she replies. "Sit down and be quiet NOW or I will call the police!" I retort.

She sits down grumbling. I notice she's still threatening people so at the next stop I say "Ma'am, this is your stop". "Oh, is it? Thanks, I didn't realize that" she replies in a cheerful voice. As she gets to the back of the bus she asks me "Which way do I need to go? Right or left?" "Ummm right" I reply. After she got off, a guy asks me if I knew where she was going. "Not a frickin' clue" I respond.

Then the whole bus started laughing hysterically.

Go ahead, get angry. Kick a bus. I hope you break a toe.

2010-09-26T04:54:00.000-07:00

I was just pulling away from the station when some guy comes running up to the bus, banging on the front doors, begging to be let on. Normally my rule is that once I've pulled away, I'm gone. Once you let one person on outside of the stop, everyone gets it in their heads that they can just flag the bus down anywhere they want. Since I was still in the station and I wasn't holding up traffic by stopping again, I decided to stop and let him on. Well that is once I made it past the insulator. I gestured "one minute" and kept the bus rolling until I passed the insulator two feet ahead. Just as I was coming to a stop, the guy decides to give me the finger and viciously kick my bus. I come to a stop, open the doors and say "I was actually letting you know I was going to stop for you in one second. I just had to get past the insulator so I wouldn't get stuck. Since you seem to have a violent temper and took it out on my bus, I've reconsidered and you can wait in the rain for half an hour for the next bus. Have a nice night"!

I'm such a bitch eh?

And I thought I'd seen it all

2010-09-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

I started driving buses back in the beginning of 2005. Four companies later, I thought that I'd experienced all of the weirdest, strangest, nastiest things that could ever happen to a bus driver and that I was bound to start repeating them. Turns out that's not the case. I know that I have strange luck and odd things happen to me that generally don't happen to others. Which is why I was shocked when an incident happened at work that I wasn't prepared for.

Two guys decide to jaywalk in front of my bus just as the lights turn green. I hit the horn and the one guy skedadles to the other side of the intersection while the other guy stops motionless in front of my bus. At first I was thinking it was deer in the headlights syndrome. Nope. He stared wide eyed for a few seconds before he leaned into my windshield and started licking it. Not one lick, not two, he was an all or nothing kind of guy. He licked my windshield until the light turned red. What's the average time you have at a traffic light? Let me google that. Never mind, I don't know. All I could find was the time from an amber light to a red. But anyhow, it's probably 30 - 45 seconds. So this guy spent the better part of a minute licking the windshield of a transit bus.

I really hope he gets mono. I don't know if that's possible but I'm sure he'll contract some sort of deadly virus. Do you even know how dirty buses are?? Even after they've been washed, I wouldn't lick one. And this is coming from someone who licked a slug.

Wheel blocks make great kindling.

2010-09-09T00:39:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back, I parked my bus and blocked the wheels. A few minutes later, the bus in front of me moves so I hop in the seat and proceed to pull the bus forward. Oh, yeah, I forgot about the wheel block. I ran it over and it splintered into a million pieces. And it happened in front of about 20 people waiting to board my bus. Would you get on a bus with a driver who forgot about their wheel block and ran it over? Yeah, me neither. I guess that's why most of the crowd laughed and decided to walk instead.

Maybe my supervisor was right...maybe I am a vampire....

2010-09-08T23:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my first afternoon shift in about two years. I'll just sum it up now for you guys. ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!! HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT HELL BALLS!!!! If that didn't do it for ya, feel free to read on.

To start off Tuesday was the day that all, and when I say all, I mean all of the bus routes going through downtown were changed. I had about twenty minutes before I picked up my bus and I noticed that there were a lot of passengers waiting at the old stop. Being the nice person that I am, I walked over and kindly informed them of the buses' reroute. (Insert verbal abuse here). To make matters worse I had to explain that this only happens Monday to Friday and on the weekends, the buses all go back to their regular route. We're going to get a lot of angry passengers in the next few weeks.

I pick up my bus and my first turn is onto the street that was up until yesterday a pedestrian corridor. Oh and did I mention that I'm a vampire and I usually only work after the sun has gone down???
So let's add it up so far.

1.TRAFFIC
2. Angry passengers that don't know where the fuck the buses are now going
3. The harsh glare of the sun
4. Bus drivers that don't know where any of the routes are going...including myself and my own route. Go ahead ask a question, I can almost guarantee I'll give you the wrong answer...and not on purpose this time!
5. Instead of drunk, stupid idiots. I now have angry, stupid idiots!
6. TRAFFIC

So anyhow, driving down the pedestrian street is kind of an obstacle course. I was doing about 10kms with my hand on the horn the entire time. I'm sure people will get used to it eventually but at the time people just wandered out onto the street without even looking to see if a fifteen ton bus was headed their way. Then of course they looked shocked when I honked at them. "What the fuck? You just caused me to spill my overpriced latte from Starbucks! Just run me over next time!"

Okay, I understand that most people have just finished the work day and they're stressed and angry but seriously the bus driver is not the person to rant to. Here's a tip. Go to a fuckin' bar, have a drink, rant to the bartender, simmer down and then get on the bus. As strange as it may seem to people, our job can be pretty stressful. You may think you're the only one complaining to us about traffic or your job or your lost promotion or the fact that your Maserati broke down (oh boo hoo!), in reality, you're not. Most likely you're the tenth person in the last five minutes. Most drivers can deal with all this but I'm not sure that I can. I want my drunks that hit on me, my bums that are just on the way to cash their pay cheques and consequently can't pay, and the meth users that are shaking so bad they can't speak.

Okay, deep breath! I can deal with this, I just need to get used to a new demographic. This is why I have this blog, so I can rant and not have a mental break down.

So I'm driving along a four lane street downtown. The left lane is backed up with people trying to get onto the bridge while the right lane is completely free. I'm cruising along the right lane when the light turns yellow and I floor it to get across the intersection. Two cars up in the left lane is a ford f150. Now this isn't a huge truck, but for some reason he's driving about a foot over the line completely blocking me. I assume he had just changed lanes and didn't have time to move all the way over. No big deal, except for the fact that the last half of my bus are blocking the intersection and I'm being honked at and fingered by pedestrians. I give him a little honk to let him know that I'm behind him so he can move over when he gets the chance to pull up. No such luck. The douche bag drove like that for a block and a half. My passengers were so angry with me (for being behind schedule) that they kept telling me to get out of the bus and tell him to move his truck over.

Fact: If a driver gets out of their seat and ANYTHING happens, I'm liable and could be sued.

So I just kept honking and gesturing for him to move over. He finally did right before I turned the corner. Yeah!

On my next run a bus had broken down in a bus stop. Because it was rush hour there were quite a few extra buses on the road. There were three parked behind the broken down bus leaving a spot just about big enough for me to park in. Oh but in order to do that, I had to block in a shuttle (short bus) driver. I saw that they didn't have their indicator on so I pulled in front of them and blocked them in. I figured it was better than blocking the entire street. I get out of my bus to see when the guy in front is leaving when I hear some lady yelling at me. I look back and see the shuttle driver reaming me out for blocking her in. "Wha the fuck, you think y'all doing? You think you is better than me cuz you drive tha big ass bus? You want me to come over there and kick you skinny ass?" She yelled. "Sorry, but you didn't have your turn signal on and it was better to block you than to block the entire street." I replied. "You judging me cuz I'm black. Fuckin' cunt. I's going to report your ass to tha copny!" At that point I just laughed and walked away. I did the right thing in that situation, I don't need to be reamed out by one of my own coworkers.

My last run of the day, I was looking forward to it. This woman gets on the bus with a bottle of wine and strikes up a conversation with me.

Woman: I'm celebrating!
Me: Oh, well congratulations. What are you celebrating?
Woman: I'm celebrating the demise of my husband!
Me: Ummm errrr...
Woman: I'm not really celebrating. I'm devastated. Don't mind me if I start crying.
Me: Awkward silence....

This was only the first day of four months before I can change routes. Oh God, I miss my night work.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go for the first time in over four months

2010-07-24T04:03:00.000-07:00

Now if you're a regular reader of this blog, you've come to accept that crazy things happen to me ALL THE FUCKIN' time at work. Seeing as it was my first day back after a long leave of absence, I was at the very least expecting to be abducted by aliens, have to dismantle a pipe bomb and save a hooker from cardiac arrest. I mean that's the way god works right, I leave for four months so he's going to throw a whole lot of shit at me on my first day back.

All in all it was a fairly quiet shift. Maybe god does love me?

I was a little bit nervous about getting back into the drivers seat after such a long time but I kept reassuring myself it was like riding a bike. I started out a little overwhelmed. It was a friday night so there were people everywhere. On top of that I was driving a trolley bus downtown. I started off driving at about 20kms checking my mirrors every two seconds to ensure I didn't inadvertanly run over any drunks, tourists, bikers, clowns or moose. After about three stops I finally got my mojo (groove?) back.

I'm back bitches!

Going 50kms into a stop, without hitting anything or jarring the elderly passengers is a fine art form. It really was like riding a bike, except I crash a lot more while riding a bike.

My second run of the evening started off a little shaky. A firetruck and ambulance blocked the entire street so I ended up about ten minutes behind schedule. No big deal. Two intersections later, I lose my poles while crossing a major intersection. I stop and put the poles back up doing my best to ignore the drunk hecklers and cars trying to hit me. Dude, I was wearing a fuckin' safety vest, how could you not see me? Oh yes, you must have been driving your car drunk.

Once the poles are back on, I start driving only to have them come off two seconds later. It was my fault, I hadn't put them up properly. I got out again and made sure they were on the wire correctly. Three seconds later, they came off again. I go out and see that a tree has ripped them off the wire. Five minutes later, I've finally wrestled the poles out of the branches and am on my way again.

Random tangent: Why the hell doesn't the city do their damn job and actually prune the trees?

I ended up being about 20 minutes late so I skipped my break to get back on schedule. I didn't really need it, I was just so excited to be driving again.

Yeah, that's about all that happened tonight. Oh except for the unusually high number of guys that asked me out. I just dyed my hair blonde today, so I'm assuming that's the reason.

I don't work again till sunday. Hopefully I'll have more interesting stories to report.

One other thing. Make sure you try on your work pants long before you start work, like enough time to have them tailored if need be. Mine were held together with safety pins since I couldn't get the top button even close to done up.

Screaming Louise

2010-06-23T04:22:00.000-07:00

As a rule I let pretty much everyone on my bus regardless of whether they are capable of paying or not. What do I care? It's not my money, I'm trying to collect. There are a few exceptions though. Louise is one of them.  Louise has mental issues (like a lot of people on the streets). When she doesn't take her medication (which happens quite frequently) she is incapable of speaking at a normal volume. Everything that comes out of her mouth is amplified ten fold. She also has this habit of asking other passengers on the bus for spare change. Being one of those people who don't take no for an answer, I've ended up with a few fights on the bus between her and other passengers. She'll get on the bus hunching over, or trying to sneak on behind another person saying "I'm not here. You didn't seen nothing" "No, I'm sorry but I cannot let you on the bus" I'd reply. "Pleaz mizzuz. I won't say one woyd (word), not a single woyd." She would say. Usually I would end up relenting and allowing her on the bus. "Okay, I'll give you a ride but I don't want to hear a peep out of you, and you absolutely cannot ask anyone for money." I'd say.  The last time I allowed her on my bus she was fairly silent for part of the trip. All of the sudden I hear this blood curdling scream. It startles me so badly, I end up just about driving the bus into a lamp stand. "Look, Louise, I already told you once. Not a word out of you. I just about had an accident, I can't have you on my bus screaming" I told her. "I APOLOGIZE! I'M SORRY. I APOLOGIZE!!!" she shouts. "You're screaming again, I can't have someone on my bus that screams for no reason. I'll take you to your stop but be warned, this is the last ride you will ever get from me. Remember my face because I will not allow you on my bus again" I reply.
 At one of my stops, Louise tries to get on the bus. I refuse her. One of the other passengers asks me why I didn't allow her on the bus. I start explaining my reasons when another passenger cuts me off. "Shut the fuck up you stupid bitch. We don't want to hear your excuses. You left a woman out in the cold. You are the most cruel, heartless woman I have ever met in my entire life" He says.
Maybe I am? I start re-evaluating my decision. Everyone deserves the chance to be on a warm, safe bus but Louise always causes trouble. Half the time she's on my bus, I end up having to call security to either remove her or break up a fight she's caused. Am I wrong to refuse her just so that I don't have problems on the bus? Maybe I'll give her another chance....

Reason # 826 why kids are such shits!

2010-06-19T23:31:00.000-07:00

I was driving school bus for a private school in which yearly tuition rivaled that of harvard's. Obviously all of the children came from well to do families. One day, one of the little terrors asked me what kind of car I had. I replied that I drove a saab. Immediately the bus went silent and I could see the kids respect of me increase...DRAMATICALLY. I'm sure they were all thinking, wow, we completely misjudged her, she has an expensive car...maybe we should be a little bit nicer.... And then the bubble burst when another kid asked what year and model my car was. I replied "900s, and it's a '94".

"Why is it so old? When I turn sixteen my dad said he's going to buy me a porsche cayanne!" another spoiled rich, asshole child said.

Maybe it's so old because I make $81 a day to drive you brats from your million dollar houses to your million dollar school that you've been attending since kindergarden?

I hate kids.

My way or the highway.

2010-06-19T22:56:00.000-07:00

A few years back, I was driving bus for a company that drove cross country. I was fairly new to the job and still trying to double clutch smoothly without stalling the bus. In training we were told that we had the right to kick anyone off the bus for any reasonable reason just so long as they were dropped off in an area that wasn't completely secluded (IE: NOT dropping them off in the middle of a mountain pass 40 miles from the closest payphone). One of my instructors pulled me aside and gave me some tips on how to get rid of problem passengers. "You need to avoid all confrontation, trick them if you have to. You're going to be on your own with no backup and you are a small female and people will try to take advantage of that" he warned me. With those words of wisdom in my head, I ventured out into the world as a highway driver on my own.

My second trip on the job, I'm scheduled to relieve a driver at 4am and drive 11 hours back to my home base. The bus is mostly empty and the majority of the passengers were sound asleep that is except for one. Let's call him Ted. Ted decided to use this road trip as a drinking binge. As soon as I get on the bus, Ted starts getting excited over the fact that I'm female.

The bus I had was an old seven speed and no matter how smooth your shifting was, you had to grind the gears to get it going. After a few stalls and mis-shifts, Ted starts commenting on how true the stereotype is about female drivers. Now when most alcoholic people get on a bus they bring a mickey...nope Ted brought two fortys. He also requested I stop the bus every ten minutes for a smoke break.

So here I am with a shitty ass bus that I'm doing my best to drive with this drunk, sexist asshole jeering me on. About 8 hours later (oh yes, Ted's behaviour persisted throughout the entire journey...I was hoping he'd pass out), I pull into a depot to unload some cargo. Now, we have a washroom in the depot as well as one on the bus. I come out of the depot to see Ted peeing on the side of my bus. "Okay, that's it! I'm sorry sir but this behaviour stops now. You can catch the next bus, I will not have you on mine any longer" I tell him. "Oh, but please, I only need to go two more stops. I'm so sorry, I won't say anything else." he says. "Fine, but if I hear so much as a peep out of you, you're going to be kicked off this bus so fast you won't know what hit you." I reply.

Approximately four blocks later, I stop rather abruptly for a red light. "Oh, man. I've got whiplash. Stupid, fuckin' women drivers. Go back to the kitchen where you belong. I'm suing you!" he rants. I calmly pull the bus over and tell him "Hey buddy, we're having a smoke break" "YES!!" he replies as he goes to make his way off the bus. "Why don't you take your stuff with you?" I ask. He complies. As soon as he's off the bus with his luggage, I shut the doors and pull away with the entire bus applauding my actions.

Run the light! It's perfectly legal.

2010-03-27T19:09:00.000-07:00

Driving through downtown during rush hour traffic, I hear sirens approaching. I pull back into the bus stop that I was just leaving and wait for the emergency vehicle to pass. About half the cars on the street stop where they are while the other half continue driving as though the rescue truck weren't even there. As the truck gets closer, the majority of traffic has stopped; they haven't pulled out of the way but just parked their cars where they were when they heard the siren. Eventually the cars start pulling over with the encouragement of the rescue trucks air horn. Finally the truck approaches the intersection and gets stuck behind a car in the far left lane. The light is red so the car stays where it is. The rescue truck comes right up to the bumper of the car and gives a few loud blasts of the air horn. The car still doesn't move.   I know it's a red light but when there is an emergency vehicle behind you and you're blocking it's path, it's legal to run the light to get out of it's way. It just made me so mad to see this guy blocking the truck. He didn't move until the light turned green. Sometimes I just don't understand the mentality of drivers in this city. If I were sitting at a light and I had a massive truck with lights and sirens that was honking at me, I'd get out of the way ASAP. Stupid people! Run the light!!!!

This post is meant to be sarcastic and funny but it may come across as mean. Try reading it in Elmer Fudd's voice. That'll make it funny

2010-01-28T02:45:00.000-08:00

I have a few bones to pick with a few people....

Stop saying happy new year when you get on or off the bus. It's almost February for goodness sake.

When you're waiting to make a right hand turn onto a street, don't stick your nose out when a bus doing 50kms is less than ten metres away. You will lose your bumper.

Don't arrest someone in a bus stop where there's a passenger waiting in a wheelchair.

Don't stand in the doorway serenading me with Elvis songs when there are people waiting to get on the bus...also don't start talking about your life story or personal problems you may have. Go to a bar and rant to the bartender....WE DON'T CARE!

When you see a driver putting the poles back up after they came down, don't swerve towards them in your car. It's not nice and it scares the shit out of us.

When you see a female driver with pigtails in her hair, don't say "Perfect, something to hold onto while you're giving me a blow job"....especially if you're old and creepy.

I have more, but I reckon this is enough ranting for one night.

Sick

2010-01-23T18:14:00.000-08:00

Guy #1: Can you imagine the driver without a shirt?

Guy #2: Oh, yeah. I'd love to see her firm, little boobies.

Me: You do realise I can hear you right?

Dead silence.

Merry fuckin' Christmas to you too!

2009-12-19T02:31:00.000-08:00

Christmas time; a time for joy, a time for giving, a time for family and friends, a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus (even though he was actually born in the spring but the date was changed so that it coincided with the pagan holiday but that's another tangent and I'm not going to get into it here). I've been noticing over the last week that instead of becoming more joyous, festive and giving as the season approaches, people are becoming more and more miserable. May I suggest a Christmas anger management program?

Candidate #1

The bus was turning left and turned in front of a woman on the OTHER SIDE of the crosswalk. It was the bus I was picking up, so I got in and started adjusting the seat while talking to the driver I was relieving. The woman (that was in the crosswalk) came up to the bus and started yelling and screaming, claiming that pedestrians have the right of way and as bus drivers we should know that! The other driver calmly told her that she was no where near hitting her and once you start a turn in a trolley you have to complete it or else you'll get stuck on an insulator and will have to pull your poles. The woman kept ranting and raving about how she just about got killed by the bus and she was going to complain, blah, blah, blah. The other driver just walks away, leaving me to deal with her. So I say, I'm sorry about that but have a merry Christmas. You know what she said? FUCK YOU!

Candidate #2

A man puts his $2.50 into the fare box and the tickets end up jamming. So I tell him, that I'm sorry but I can't give him a transfer as the fare box is now out of service. He reams me out like nobody's mother, saying that he has to get onto the train and he needs a ticket and it's all my fault and I'm doing this on purpose, blah, blah, blah. I ended up writing him a note on a piece of newspaper saying my fare box was broken but he had paid and this was my bus number and seniority number. I told him that if he had any problems to use the note and even if he gets a ticket he can call the depot in the morning and I'll vouch for him. "Fuck you, as if they're going to believe me? I could have written a note myself. Bitch!" he kindly tells me.

Candidate #3

I pass by a stop that no one has rung the bell for and no one is waiting at when this woman starts screaming that I've missed her stop. Because I'm nice, I stop just past the stop and kindly tell her that she hadn't rung the bell. "Well you're supposed to be stopping at every stop, so I don't need to ring the bell" she says. "Just so you know for next time, we don't stop unless someone has rung the bell or there are people waiting" I explain. "Bitch" she replies. At the next stop a man comes up to the front of the bus and tells me I'm out of sync. "Sorry?" I reply. "Well, you missed that poor woman's stop and you're fare box is "apparently" (yes he did the air quotes) broken. You must be new. You'd better step up your game. If I were your boss I'd fire your ass in a heartbeat" he says. I wisely chose not to reply.

Candidate #4

I pull into a stop, let everyone off and load up everyone. I start pulling away when the light turns red, so I stop. I was looking at the lights when suddenly I hear "You've got to be fuckin' kidding me lady! You won't even let me on the bus." I look over and I see a man about to walk away. I open the doors and say "I'm sorry, I didn't see you there, if you had just knocked on the door, I would have let you in". "Like hell you would have! Fuckin' dyke drivers on power trips, you think you can just do whatever the fuck you want? You're worse than female cops!" he replies. Once again, I wisely chose not to reply.

Candidate #5

A guy about my age gets on the bus and states "You're the fuckin' ugliest woman I've ever seen in my entire life, why don't they hire hot drivers?"

Candidate #6

A police car had pulled someone over in the bus stop so I had no choice but to unload people onto the street. This old woman starts screaming at me saying that she couldn't get off the bus because she had a bad knee. I apologise and tell her that I obviously can't get into the stop with the police car there but I could lower the wheelchair ramp for her. "You think I'm fuckin' handicapped? I can't believe you just said that. I'm calling and complaining" she says. She manages to get off the bus, turns around and gives me the finger.

Candidate #7

A car is blocking the bus stop, waiting to turn left so I pull in behind it. There are about twenty people at the stop trying to get on the bus. A man gets on and starts yelling at me saying that he was first in line and that if I had stopped at the I.D. post he would have been first on and could have been able to get a seat instead of having to stand. "Sorry, sir but there was a car in front of me and I couldn't pull up to the post." I explain. He looks at me, looks out the front windshield (the car had turned by now) and says "What car? Are you on crack?"

I love Christmas! I just hate all of these debbie downers!

Thanks, but I'd rather be stabbed in the eye by a unicorn.

2009-12-18T13:40:00.001-08:00

The uniform that I wear to work is ugly. It's blue polyester and everything is too big on me. It makes me look really unattractive and it completely disguises the shape of my body, which I thought was a good thing. Guys won't hit on me or grope me. WRONG!!!

I got my boobie grabbed again. Someone once told me that I should be flattered by the fact that men find me attractive and want to touch me. I understand that point of view...sort of. It's just when I'm working I'm trying to be professional. I just want to do my job. You wouldn't think about gropping a police officer in uniform, so why is it okay to do it to a bus driver? Okay we don't have a gun but still, it's INAPROPRIATE!!!!!

Let me start at the beginning, which in my opinion is a good place to start.

I pick up an older man downtown and immediately notice that he is intoxicated beyond belief. He was having so much trouble walking, I wasn't even sure if he could see the seats in the bus. Finally he manages to ~~sit~~ fall down. As we get towards the end of the line there are only two people left on the bus, the drunk and another man. At the second to last stop the other man tells me that he may have left his umbrella on the bus and asks if I mind waiting while he searches for it. I tell him no problem. As he passes by the drunk man, the drunk reaches out and squeezes his midsection. The umbrella man smacks his hand away and tells him to fuck off. As the umbrella man passes the drunk again, he is once again squeezed. As the umbrella man gets off, he tells the drunk to get a fuckin' life.

As soon as I start moving the drunk stands up (why the hell do they have to move when the bus is in motion??) and stands right behind me. I pull into the bus loop and open the doors. The drunk then reaches out strokes my cheek, moves down to my shoulder and eventually my boob which he gives a firm grab. Turning he then attempts to step off the bus but instead faceplants! That's karma for ya! I immediately call the police and shortly after they arrive they confirm that they've caught him. I'm assuming it wasn't too difficult seeing as he could hardly take two steps without succumbing to gravity.

Update: The case went to court last week and I took the stand against him. Fuckin' scary shit. I hope I never have to go through it again. All in all the case went well and hopefully he'll be convicted.

Quick update on what's been happening.

2009-12-17T03:57:00.000-08:00

A man gets on my bus and asks for a free ride because he just got out of jail and consequentially has no money. In the next breath he comments on how hot I am and asks me out.
Penniless ex-con....now that's my kind of man!

I pull up to a stop where a man is waiting. He looks at me and says "A chick? I'll wait for the next bus, thanks". I later tell one of my co-workers about it saying "obviously I can't drive because I don't have a penis". He remarks "I'm amazed you've made it this far, that's what we use for steering!" Why is everyone I work with such a dirty pervert?

Driving along skid-row, I let two drunk natives on the bus. Immediately they start arguing. The woman is claiming that the man stole her bus pass so she grabs it back, shoves it down her bra and sits down. The man, all the while swearing profusely, grabs her purse and shoves her head back against the window. I park the bus, put on the hazards and warn them that if they can't stop fighting, I'm going to have to call the police. I also mention that the bus is equipped with cameras that are recording everything. The man looks back at me and tells me to go for it. I hit the emergency panic button while the man continues beating the woman. He eventually reaches into her shirt, grabs the bus pass and heads to the front of the bus. As he passes me he takes a swing at me which I easily avoided...Ha ha! Don't try and hit sober people while you're drunk! Then he takes off down the street. The woman runs to the front of the bus and starts banging on the windshield yelling at me to go after him. I flat out refuse to leave and tell her that help is on the way. She starts going on about how he has her bus pass and now he can get into her apartment and I've just issued her death sentence. Meanwhile I'm thinking "You're bus pass opens your apartment door? Don't most people use keys now adays?" A few more minutes pass with the woman yelling/swearing/threatening my life/trying to punch a hole in my windshield before she gets off and runs down the street after her husband. I love having the cameras on the buses. Management watched the whole scenario and decided that it had diffused and everyone was safe so they didn't need to send help and I continued on my merry way.

And that's all that happened tonight.
The end.

The vagina monologue

2009-11-27T00:54:00.000-08:00

Me: Good morning

Middle aged woman: Vagina

Now the majority of people return the greeting with a "good morning" or at the very least a grunt. I have had some rather strange responses such as the man who howled at me, the kid who said "props" and offered his fist, and of course the overly friendly ones who have yet to have their morning coffee and just glare in return. But this is by far the oddest response I've heard.

There are a few ways I could interpret her greeting.

1. I had misheard her.

2. She has turrets. (I quickly ruled that out after she didn't make another peep for five minutes)

3. She was merely trying to find some way to relate to me. Since we're both women and both have vaginas, she chose to state that fact outloud.

4. English isn't her first language and she was confused as to what the proper response to good morning was.

5. She insulted me.

Personally, I chose to believe option #5. In this job I get insulted on a daily basis. Needless to say, I've heard pretty much every insult out there. The whole point of an insult to hurt the person, hopefully so badly they cry themselves to sleep every night and eventually wind up in therapy. So it's really useless to call a female bus driver a bitch or a dyke because chances are she's heard it a million times and she's not going to remember you for it. The guy who called me an ill begotten son of a wombat, I'll always remember him. As well as the woman who called me a douche-canoe. Those are examples of great insults. Take it from me, be original so they'll never forget you.

Look at me! I can pick up anyone just because of my career!

2009-11-21T03:20:00.000-08:00

"Wow! Your bus has more buttons and gauges than an airplane" a guy on the bus says to me. "No it doesn't. I have four gauges and about thirty switches. Have you ever been in the cockpit of an airplane? I ask. "Of course I have. I'M A PILOT!" he says proudly. "Are you now? Who do you fly for?" I ask. "Well, I'm actually still in school" he replies. "How many hours do you have?" I ask. "Almost twenty." he says. "Good for you. It's a good start." I say. "I don't understand you. Most girls rip off their clothes as soon as they hear I'm a pilot." he replies. "Sorry, but that doesn't do it for me. I've wanted to be a pilot for a long time and I know a lot of pilots. I have inside information most girls don't. Pilots are poor (at least for the first few years) and they're never home." I say. "Yeah, well I know the phonetic alphabet" he says. "So do I. I was the radio dispatcher at a heliport." I reply. "Does this mean you won't go out with me just because I'm a pilot?" he asks. "No, I didn't say that. What I'm saying is I don't really care what someone does for a career just so long as they like it and are financially, emotionally, spiritually stable." I reply. "Yeah, well, you're just a bus driver. You can't make any money doing that! You're a wannabe pilot. Driving a bus around pretending your flying. You're fuckin' pathetic." he says. "Look, I love my job. I know one day I will get my pilots license, it's just the timing is wrong right now. How bout you give me call once you get your career off the ground and maybe I'll consider going out with you (HA! Yeah right!)." I say. "BITCH!" he states and then storms off the bus!

In hindsight maybe I was a bit of a bitch but he deserved it. Anyone who thinks they can get anyone they want just because of what they do for a living is a douche-canoe!

Who let the dogs out?

2009-11-21T03:05:00.000-08:00

I pull into a stop as a woman and her Rottweiler are passing the bus. The dog suddenly goes crazy and starts barking hysterically at the bus. The woman loses her grip on the leash. The dog beelines it to my front bumper and starts gnawing on it. "Ma'am, your dog is attempting to eat my bus" I say. "I know! Isn't it cute? He's just protecting me from the loud, noisy bus" she replies. She then starts talking to the dog in a baby voice. By this time, the rottie has just about torn the bumper off and I'm starting to get a little bit frustrated. "Ma'am, get your dog off the street and away from my bus NOW!" I tell her. "Well aren't you a grumpy bus driver?" she says as she pulls the dog away and gives me the finger.

Fantabulous Friday Flattery.

2009-11-21T02:28:00.000-08:00

A guy gets on the bus dressed head to toe in Ed Hardy. He takes one look at me and says "How you doing? Nice tatts. Wanna go out sometime?" "Sorry, I'm married" I reply.
Real reasons:
1. I HATE Ed Hardy clothing....HATE it enough to capitalize HATE.
2. Anyone who tries to pick up a chick by asking "How you doing" is an idiot.
3. Assuming that because I have tattoos, I have something in common with him.
4. Shortening tattoos to tatts.

Downtown an older business man gets on the bus. He gets right in my face and says "Finally, a cute bus driver". "Thanks" I reply. As he gets off the bus, he comes back up to the front and says "Cute and one of the best drivers I've seen in a long time. Your boyfriend is a lucky man".

Later on I overhear two guys talking about me.
Guy 1: The bus driver is hot eh?
Guy 2: She is. You should ask her out.
Guy 1: No man, I can't date someone who's a better driver than me.

On my last run of the night this guy stands at the front of the bus and begins talking to me. "I was just out at this night club and it was awesome" "Yeah? I haven't been there in years" I reply. "How old are you?" he asks. "26" I say. "Well, you're young at heart. That's all that matters" he says. Young at heart? What the fuck? I'm young, not young at heart. Stupid punk ass teenager! As he gets off the bus he leans into me, pulls out a camera and snaps a picture of us. "You're hot. I'm putting this on my facebook" he tells me. "Go right ahead" I say.

Sometimes it's more fun to drive the drunks around the city than to be one!

A not so crazy friday the thirteenth.

2009-11-14T03:13:00.000-08:00

A guy gets on the bus holding a jar full of pennies. "Does this machine accept pennies?" he asks. "It sure does" I reply. Five minutes later he has finished putting the last penny in the farebox. "Do you often walk around with a jar of pennies?" I ask. "Nope. This was a last minute thing and I didn't have any other change" he replies. Alright, fair enough.

I stop and let three really drunk (and when I say really drunk, I mean REALLY drunk) native girls on my bus. Of course, they've all forgotten their pass and have no change. "Don't worry about it, just make sure you have change next time" I tell them. They go and sit at the back of the bus and immediately start drinking from a mickey they've brought on. I could have pulled over and demanded they get off but I was scared shit less of them. They were big enough to squash me with their thumb. So I decided to ignore it. A few stops later I hear screaming from the back of the bus. The drunk girls have gotten into a fight with an elderly Asian woman. I have no idea who started it or what it was about and quite frankly, I didn't care. I pull the bus over and the Asian woman goes to get off when one of the drunk girls trips her causing her to fall flat on her face.

"Oh, my goodness! Are you okay?" I ask. They all ignore me and continue screaming. The woman gets up and leaves the bus while yelling "UGLY! UGLY! UGLY!" I guess it was one of the few insults she knew in English. I drive away. Meanwhile the drunk girls are laughing hysterically at what just happened. When I'm about a Kilometre from where I dropped the Asian woman off, I pull the bus over and announce that this is the drunk girls stop. "Wha? No it's not. We have to go further." they exclaim. "NO! I don't tolerate that sort of behavior. You'll get off now or I will call the police." I retort. Luckily for me, they took my threat seriously and disembarked.

And that's all that happened. I was quite disappointed to say the least. I mean with my track record, I was expecting a werewolf to get on and start eating the seats or something. Boring nights suck!!!!!

Kids - Drop out of school....Become a bus driver instead.

2009-11-11T04:59:00.000-08:00

A woman gets on the bus with her daughter (maybe 8 years old) in tow. "Mommy, I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I'm sick" the daughter whines. "Darling, you have to go to school that way you can get a good job. You don't want to end up being a bus driver do you?" the mother replies (I'm assuming she thought I couldn't hear her).

Enough already! Reality check. Being a bus driver is a great job. We have a multitude of people working for us that have post secondary education...doctors, pilots, lawyers, etc.... I work for a company that treats me like gold. Their greatest asset isn't the 1.4 million dollar buses but the people that operate them. I have fantabulous benefits, the second best pension plan in the country and on top of all that I make more than triple the minimum wage. Still not enough to convince you? How about this?

At about 1:30 am I'm not in service, heading back to the depot. I'm travelling on a four lane road with a van in the left lane slightly ahead of me. Suddenly a black Chevy Malibu comes flying out of nowhere and comes right up to the bumper of the van. Without a turn signal or any extra space he cuts into my lane. This has to be one of the most reckless/stupid ass moves I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Both the van and I were travelling at 60 kms (I know I was speeding. My bad) and there was about half a car length between us. In order for this guy to get between us he had to kiss the van's bumper and nudge me out of the way (always a good idea to try and nudge a bus out of the way). Luckily an accident was avoided because both the van and myself saw this idiot and the van sped up while I hit the brakes. Not even thirty seconds later an undercover cop put on his lights and sirens and took off after the douche bag in the Malibu. The Malibu screeches around a corner and down a side street in an attempt to lose the cop. The cop follows. As I pass the intersection, I slow down and crane my neck in an attempt to see this idiot getting a well deserved ticket. No such luck. The Malibu turns down another side street with the cop in hot pursuit.

About five blocks later I just about t-bone a car that pulls out in front of me. Guess who??? The Malibu is back!! Seconds later the cop comes up behind me, lights and sirens going chasing that jackass for all it's worth. Unfortunately I have to leave the chase to go back to the depot but for the ten or so blocks I was involved in it was awesome!

And that's why kids you should be a bus driver. Think about it for a while. Do you really want to go $50,000 into debt just to get a piece of paper you can frame and hang on your office wall? You'll get a piece of paper once you finish training here as well...actually, I don't even know where mine is. But regardless of that fact, your life will resemble an action movie a lot of the time. You'll get a lot of great stories to impress your friends (and those of the opposite sex). The point being, it's way cooler to be a bus driver than an office guy!

An oldie but a goodie

2009-11-11T04:40:00.000-08:00

This happened a few years ago but it's by far my favorite bus story

It had snowed so there were quite a few snowbanks around. I was driving for a tour bus company at the time. My bus was full of middle aged Australian tourists. We arrive at our destination when two of my co-workers pick me up and throw me mercilessly into a snow bank. I'm lying on my back wondering if I've lost all respect with my tour group when I hear a few comments...."Oh, my goodness, are you okay dear?" "What big brutes you work with". Suddenly I hear "Don't worry about her, she likes being on her back!" coming from a 65+ year old man. I start laughing so hard, I can't even pull myself out of the snowbank. This was the best burn I've ever received and the fact that it came from an Aussie old enough to be my grandfather made it even better!

The third (and hopefully last) assault

2009-11-11T01:16:00.000-08:00

This happened a few months ago and I'm completely over it so don't get freaked out or feel sorry for me.

It was a typical night at work. I was asked out by a few bums, insulted a couple of times and had a few close M.V.A.'s. The route I was doing turned into a downtown night bus and I got a half hour break before I turned into the night bus. I pull into my terminus and get out to have a smoke. I know, I shouldn't smoke. But anyways I hadn't seen anyone when I pulled into the loop. As I'm smoking this guy comes out of now where; I guess he was lurking in the bushes or waiting in the bus stop which isn't visible from where I'm parked. He's about thirty and kinda hot, he looked like someone I'd go on a date with.

He starts walking towards me and I assume he's going to walk past me so I move off the sidewalk with my back towards him. The next thing I know is he's grabbed me from behind. It's almost like he's giving me a bear hug, except he's grabbing my boob. At this point all that's going through my head is "are you fuckin' kidding me? Again?". He wasn't a very good assailant because he had left my entire right arm free which I used to elbow him in the ribs many times. Sometimes it's good to be skinny with sharp elbows!!!

After I had elbowed him a number of times he gave up and ran away. I beelined for my bus, locked the doors and pressed the emergency response button. Although I was shaking so badly it took about five tries before I managed to actually hit the button. Communications calls me and I explain that I've just been attacked. They ask if they need to call the police. I say "Well the guy's already gone and I'm not injured so I don't think so." They then tell me a supervisor is on his way and he'll be there in about 15 minutes.

Five minutes later the supervisor shows up. He explains that he drove 140 kms to get to me. He also berated communications for not calling the police. Even though this guy is gone, the police need to be there, so he calls them. Meanwhile another driver shows up. The supervisor tells him to stay with me while he drives the streets looking for this douche bag. Five minutes later the supervisor comes back and informs me that he couldn't see this creep at all. Meanwhile the police show up (five cars) and transit security.

I explain for the millionth time what happened while the police get the dog out to do a search of the area. They also inform me that they have a helicopter with infrared technology to help spot this guy. They inform me that there's a known rapist in the area and he matches the description I gave them. I'm pretty shaken up and can't stop crying but at the same time, I'm finding humour in the whole situation.

1. This guy was the worst attacker EVER! By leaving my arm free, I was able to fight back and get away.

2. This guy was so desperate to get laid that he waited at a bus stop in the hopes of seeing a female driver instead of going to find a crack whore who'll give him sex for five bucks.

3. The fact that I had been assaulted twice before. I had frozen in those situations but was more prepared for this one. I fought back! YES! Gold star for me!

4. I got a search dog and a HELICOPTER!!! That makes for a good story!

In the end they didn't catch him. They took my jacket for DNA and it's definitely not like TV. I'll be getting my jacket back in about a year or so. The company booked me off my work and booked my boyfriend (now ex) off as well so he could comfort me. That's part of why I love my job so much, they will bend over backwards to help out their employees.

I went back to work a week later but found I was so paranoid that I couldn't drive. I did one trip and then booked off again. It was at the point where I only felt comfortable with my back up against the wall (even in my own apartment). With therapy and talking it out, I eventually returned back to work three weeks later. My supervisor asked if I wanted to switch to day shifts but I refused. I'm not going to let one ass ruin my job. I'm a night owl, I love working at night. I don't want to deal with traffic, and the drunks and the crazies are more fun.

That's when my supervisor accused me of being a vampire. So I hissed at him.

I fuckin' love my job and the company I work for. How often can you hiss at your supervisor and get away with it?

Worst night EVER

2009-11-09T00:42:00.000-08:00

It started out by me getting asked out by two homeless guys. It's not a big deal, I get asked out by the homeless a lot. Normal guys don't find me attractive, it's just the bums.

I'm downtown and this woman runs in front of my bus, causing me to slam on the brakes and honk at her. She wants my bus and unfortunately I have to pull into the stop because there are other people waiting for me. The jaywalker tries to get on and I tell her she can't get on and she has to wait for the next bus. She's an older Asian woman who can't speak English very well. We end arguing for about two minutes. I finally relent and let her on the bus. This guy gets on after her and says to me "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE TROUBLE, YOU FUCKIN' BITCH! YOU'RE A FUCKIN' BUS NAZI!" I look at him and refuse to acknowledge him.

He goes and sits at the back of the bus. He then tells everyone what a bitch I am. It gets to the point where the entire bus hates me. Every time someone new gets on the bus, the rest of the passenger proceeded to tell them how I'm such a bitch. Meanwhile, the woman I tried to refuse service to speaks up. "I understand your rule for not eating on the bus but you can't make up your own rules. You have no right to refuse service to anyone" "Actually, I can refuse service to anyone I want. It's my bus and if I don't feel comfortable with the passengers, I can kick them off." I reply. She starts arguing back. I interrupt her stream of insults by saying "Look, it doesn't matter any more. You're on the bus, I don't want to argue with you anymore."

Every time someone gets off the bus, they either give me the finger and/or say "Fuck you bus Nazi!" Now, don't get me wrong, I can handle abuse. It unfortunately happens all the time. It's just when you're being insulted by over a hundred people within the span of half an hour and you know you were right in your actions, it starts to hurt. I made it to the terminus without any major crying jags or fist fights, although I was close numerous times. I get off the bus, have my cigarette, do some meditation and ten minutes later I'm ready to drive again.

As I'm turning off of the bridge that leads out of downtown a taxi starts drifting into my lane. I slam on the brakes (with a full standing load of drunks...they all flew into the windshield!) and lay on the horn. He keeps moving and hits my front bumper. I stop the bus and watch as the taxi aka fuckin' ass drives off. Now there is no way in hell he didn't notice hitting a bus. I pull the bus over and inspect the damage. The bumper is intact without a bit of paint on it. No damage! Fuck this shit, I'm not even going to call this accident in. There's no point, the taxi's gone and the company will never even know that I was hit.

I get to the end terminus, put the wheel blocks behind my rear wheels and go to the washroom. I come back to see a homeless guy in the process of stealing my wheel block. Just to clarify, this is a chunk of wood, and it's absolutely worthless, he won't be able to sell it on the street. "Hey what do you think you're doing? That's my wheel block!" I shout. He looks back and takes off running.

Fuckin' hilarious! A wheel block. What the hell is he going to do with it? Name it and keep it as a pet? Use it as a pillow?

Touchy feely

2009-11-09T00:33:00.000-08:00

This woman gets on my bus and immediately starts speaking Hindi to me. Just to clarify, I'm white, like a fuckin' pasty white with green eyes. I don't look Indian at all. She then starts pinching my cheeks and pulling at my ears all the while jabbering in Hindi. I try explaining that I only speak English but she ignores me and continues on with her monologue in Hindi. She eventually starts shaking her finger at me and then gets off the bus.

I'm assuming she put a curse (or a hex) on me. Which is super awesome because I've never been cursed before.

2009-11-09T00:12:00.000-08:00

I know it's been forever and a day since I last blogged. I'm sorry for that, but I'm blogging now.

It's my first day back at work and I was hoping that it would be a chill, relaxing day. Unfortunately god hates me and I can NEVER have a normal day at work.

Anyhow, I'm leaving the terminus; I have an hour and a half left in my shift when suddenly I lose primary air pressure. I'm on the on ramp about to merge onto a six lane street. I pull the bus over, shut it down and wait for it to build air. Nope, god really hates me. I end up losing secondary air pressure. I then call communications. Twenty minutes later they answer the phone. Their response is for me to bleed all the air out of the bus in the hopes that it'll build air from scratch. I tried explaining that the compressor isn't working and regardless of what I do, the bus won't build air pressure. They're adamant. "Just try it, and it'll probably work".

So I block the wheels and bleed the air out. Eventually the brakes dynamite (when you have low enough air pressure the emergency brakes automatically apply. They're spring brakes so unless you have enough air to release them, you're hooped.) I wait six minutes (normally it takes less than three to build the air up to 110 psi) and the air pressure is still 40 psi. At this point I'm half an hour behind schedule and the bus behind me is leaving. I get off my bus and guide him past me. He has about three inches to spare between my bus and the curb but he made it by.

I call communications back saying that the air hasn't built at all and the bus is now stuck. I have about an hour left in my shift, communications replies that they'll send a replacement bus and to run it out. That's bus talk for continuing on and pretending that you're on time.

By the time I get my replacement bus I'm an hour late. I pick up a total of six people. It costs about a thousand bucks to send a replacement bus out, plus they had to pay me the overtime. Was it really worth it? I wasn't the last bus, I wasn't leaving anyone stranded. Sometimes I don't understand the people who are in control. It would have saved them about 1500 bucks if they had sent me home early. And I would have gotten to go home early which is always great.

FYI

2009-09-19T02:21:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be adding some posts from the past back in here, so please bear with me if you've already read them.

Fashion advice from the homeless? No thanks, I'd rather read vogue.

2009-09-17T02:52:00.000-07:00

At a stop where I have a couple of minutes to kill, a bum comes on board. He's carrying, what seems to be the entire 1987 Sears womens collection. He pulls a pepto bismal pink coloured sweatshirt out of the massive bundle and offers it to me. "Sorry, but bubble gum isn't really my colour." I say. "But you could wear it over your uniform. It'd match perfectly." he replies. "Look, I prefer to NOT buy my clothing off the street" I state. "You're not buying it off the street. You're buying it from me at the bus stop." he replies. "Here's my final offer. NO!" I say.

Dejectedly he wanders around the bus picking up bits of paper and used transfers. As he comes back up to the front he leans down and picks up a newspaper in front of the farebox. Suddenly he grabs my ankle and asks "Are those stars on your socks?" "Don't touch the driver" I exclaim. "I just want to see your socks" he says. "Let go of my ankle NOW or you'll leave this bus missing an arm" I threaten.

Standing in the doorway he shouts "You're a fuckin' bitch!" "You've been talking to my ex-boyfriend, haven't you?" I reply.

My mom thinks I'm cool!

2009-09-12T03:57:00.000-07:00

Friday night. Everyone's drunk except for me. For some strange reason, everyone thinks I'm the coolest bus driver out there. Why? Beats me. Maybe because I'm so laid back?

Some guys get on the bus and start taking off their clothes. One guy tells his friends to cool it or they'll get kicked off the bus. I get on the intercom and say "It's okay, you guys can strip just so long as you keep your skivies on." Then one guy comes up to me and remarks "You're really attractive, just not right now." OUCH! And I thought that drunk guys thought that every chick was hot?

I get to the point where I have a full standing load; I couldn't cram anyone else on even if I had a cattle prod. I make an announcement: "Squish in. Get close to someone you don't know. We're going for a new Guinness record. How many people can we fit in bus."

On my last trip (where I only go downtown and then back to the depot instead of out into the boonies), I make another announcement. "Can I have everyone's attention please? In case you didn't read the sign, this bus only goes downtown. If you need to get elsewhere, you're going to have to transfer buses. Let me know where you want to be and I'll direct you in the right direction. Now if anyone is drunk or has drank at least one drink, please remain seated at ALL times. If you stand up, you will fall and then I'll have to fill out paperwork and I really hate paperwork. So do me a favour, and keep your butt in the seat. If you're so intoxicated that you feel that you're going to puke, let me know BEFORE it happens and I will pull the bus over immediately and let you toss your biscuits. I'll even pull over in the middle of the bridge, that's how much I don't want you to puke on my bus. If anyone is asleep, you need to wake up now. This bus goes downtown and then back to the depot and if you wake up at the depot, it's not my fault and you're S.O.L. Thank you for your understanding and patience. Have a wonderful evening!"

I got a standing ovation for that announcement. I guess most drivers aren't so upfront about stuff? Or people are just drunk and thought I was trying to be funny? Either way, I didn't have any pukers or sleepers and everyone thought I was awesometastic! YEAH ME!!!

Smells like teen spirit

2009-09-12T03:11:00.000-07:00

Normally, I drive the routes that go through the bad parts of town. As a result the clientele mostly consists of crack whores, bums, vagrants, winos, ex-cons, and everything in between. To say the least, the stench is unbearable. I drive with the windows open, fans on but that does little to combat the smell. Occasionally, I'll come home and my boyfriend will remark that I smell like I'm homeless.

If you haven't smelled this particular stench, you won't quite understand but I'll do my best to describe it to you. Combine the smell of a dump, a sewage treatment plant, sweaty gym socks, unwashed hair mixed with motor oil, stale alcohol that has begun to grow mold, cat urine, garbage, rotten food and any other obnoxious, revolting scent you can think of. That's what my bus would smell like and then it would permeate my clothing making me smell like that, hence why my boyfriend commented on my scent.

Over the last week, I've been driving a new route that takes me through the richer part of town. Seeing as it was Friday night everyone adopted their finery and bathed in perfume/cologne. It got so bad, that I felt like I was in a department store suffocating by way of Channel number 5. It got to the point where I almost wished for the homeless smell over the perfumed smell.

Unfortunately God hates me and heard my prayer. A homeless man got on the bus (he's actually gotten on everyday at the exact same time...8:37pm) carrying his bag containing a six pack of toilet paper. Everyday for the last week he's gotten on with his six pack of T.P. You know when your house/car/little brother gets toilet papered, and you wonder who did it? Well I've solved the mystery. It's this guy. Believe me.

Anyways, he gets on and immediately the bus smells like a overly perfumed dumpster. Why can't I just have a bus full of people who don't smell of anything? But like I previously mentioned, God hates me and wants to torture me.

Mission accomplished God. I survived this. What are you going to do next? Go ahead, try it, make my day!

Fish heads, fish heads, roly, poly fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!

2009-09-12T02:22:00.000-07:00

Actual conversation between two males aged 30.

Guy 1: Who would you do if you could do any Disney character?

Guy 2: Mulan, definitely. She's hot and I like Asians. You?

Guy 1: Ariel from the little mermaid. I get ya on the Asian thing but I tend to go for the redheads.

Guy 2: Oh, yeah. I forgot about her, I'd do her too.

My internal thoughts: You guys do realise you're talking about a mermaid...meaning her lower half is a fish. She most likely has NO vagina...unless of course they're talking about her after she's turned into a human.... Wait a second, why am I even pondering this? We're talking about animated characters here.

Caution...this post contains profanity...more than my other ones

2009-09-11T03:56:00.000-07:00

Guy getting off the bus: Thank you.

Me: Your welcome.

Guy: No! I said Fuck you! FUCK YOU!

Me: Well in that case, have a nice day.

Guy: Stop it! Stop being so fuckin' cheerful.

Me: I can't help it, it's in my nature.

Guy: Fuck you, you fuckin' fucker. Fuck! Why do I always get fuckin' stuck with these goddamn chipper fuckin' people? I hope your fuckin' bus crashes and you fuckin' die you stupid fuckin' fuck face!

Me: Bye!

And then I shut the doors and drove away before he could utter one more "FUCK".

I love my job so much! That's not sarcasm either. People often ask me how I can handle all the abuse that I get. Really, it's quite easy. I laugh at people in my head, pretend to be offended (so they'll feel satisfied in the insults they've given) and then go home and blog all about it!

Bus drivers are not hair dressers or bar tenders...we do not want to listen to your problems!

2009-09-11T02:54:00.000-07:00

Guy: Hey, my girlfriend's mad at me. Can I ask you some advice?

Me: Ummm...I'm really not the best person to ask. I'm not a normal girl. I can't even remember the date my boyfriend and I started going out.

Guy (ignoring me): My girl's pregnant and she asked me to pick up all of this facial stuff for her but I had to go way out in the suburbs to get it. Now she's pissed because I'm coming home so late.

Me: Huh? I don't understand. She asked you to get stuff for her and you trekked way out there to get it, when you didn't have to and she's mad? She should be happy you made this long journey to get the stuff for her.

Guy: So should I get her a monkey or something?

Me: A real monkey?

Guy: No, a stuffed monkey.

Me: A stuffed animal? Aren't stuffed animals for kids?

Guy: Nah, girls love stuffed animals.

Me: Really? I'd punch a guy if he got me a teddy bear. I'd rather a case of beer. But like I mentioned before, I'm not the best girl to ask. Obviously you know her best, so you should do whatever you think will make her happy.

Guy: Thanks for the advice. You're a lifesaver.

Me: No worries.
Internal thoughts: Why the hell are you thanking me? I gave you no useful advice whatsoever.

It all happened in three days.

2009-08-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

Wednesday:

I pick up a drunk old man who's carrying a shopping bag. He stumbles onto the bus and takes a seat close to the rear doors. As I continue driving, I see him pull a beer out of his bag and start drinking it. I immediately pull over.

"Sir, you cannot drink on the bus. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." I say.

"I'm fine. Keep driving woman." He replies.

"Nope. Get off now, or I'll call security and have them escort you off the coach and believe me, they won't be nearly as nice as I am." I say.

He then stands up, says "I'm done anyways", pours his mostly full beer on the aisle of the bus and urinates himself. After he gets off, I call dispatch and request for someone to come clean the bus. They respond by asking me if I can carry on. Ha! That's funny! I've got a bus with urine and beer running down the aisle, I'm not driving this thing until it's clean!

Thursday:

A man gets on the bus downtown and asks if I go to 45th Ave. I reply that I do and he sits down at the back. As the bus eventually empties out, he gradually moves closer and closer to the front. Eventually he's the only one left on the bus and he's sitting in the seat closest to me. A few blocks from his destination, he gets up, stands behind me and starts talking to me.

As I pull into his stop, he stumbles and falls into me. I saw it coming so I put my arm out to block myself. I feel his arm snake past my outstretched arm and land on my chest. He immediately starts grabbing and pinching until he's gotten a handful of my boob. He then stands up and exits the bus as though nothing had happened. The whole entire incident with him not even looking in my direction. It was almost as though he thought that if he didn't look at me, I wouldn't notice what was happening.

Many people asked me after the fact why I didn't do anything to stop him or do anything after the fact. The reason is, I didn't expect this to happen at all. I was in shock that it was happening to me. I couldn't react even if I wanted to. I just shut the doors and drove back to the yard. Twenty minutes later I called the assault in but by that time it was too late to do anything.

After the assault, I was left with a large bruise on my chest. Looking back, I realised that this man was not intoxicated as he had led me to believe. It was just a ruse that he used in order to grab me.

Friday:

It's about eight pm and I'm driving through the rich part of town. I stop to let about six teenagers on the bus. A few stops later, I get pulled over by the cops. There's one car blocking the front of the bus, one behind me and one blocking on coming traffic. I open the doors and let a female officer on the bus. "Lock the doors right now" She commands me. I comply.

"EVERYONE, HANDS IN THE AIR. SHOW ME YOUR HANDS" She yells. I let another cop on the rear doors and together they start questioning the teenagers. Meanwhile, a supervisor shows up and asks me what's going on. "I have no idea. The police just boarded my bus and started screaming orders at the passengers." I say. I get up out of the drivers seat to get off the bus when one of the cops yells at me, "Stay right where you are" I instantly slink back into my seat wondering what the hell is going on.

About ten minutes later the female officer comes to the front and fills me on what's happening. Some kids had robbed a jewelery store and in the process sprayed a cop in the face with hairspray. The officer asked me a few questions. Where had I picked them up? What time? Etc.... Turns out the teens on my bus weren't involved and I was allowed to continue driving. I overheard the kids after the cops left the bus talking about the robbery and how they knew who did it. I could have called the police after hearing that but I knew it would be useless. These teens would never admit who had done the robbery and they had already been thoroughly questioned.

It's unfortunate being put in those circumstances. I had information but I knew it couldn't be used. Also these teens were part of a gang and I didn't really want to be the one who ratted them out to the cops.

And that is just a typical week for me.

Creepy

2009-08-24T01:21:00.000-07:00

I pull up to a stop and an elderly gentleman gets on. He has white hair, is slightly stooped and carries a cane.

"Woah! I got the pretty driver. Look at you with your rosy cheeks and pigtails. You're adorable." He says.

He stands directly behind me, peering over my shoulder as I start to drive. I'm quite uncomfortable with people being that close to me since I have been assaulted three times while at work.

"Move behind the red line please" I state.

"Yeah, that's it. Order me around. Tell me what to do." He replies.

"Please, sir, I'm asking you nicely. Get behind the red line for your own safety." I say

"Yes, yes, yes" He replies in an orgasmic voice.

"I'm serious, get behind the red line RIGHT NOW!" I demand.

"Yes, yes, yes" He says in an orgasmic voice.

"MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE BUS NOW!" I yell.

"Yes. I've been a naughty boy. You going to punish me?" He asks while leering at me.

I stop the bus and turn to face him. Big mistake. I notice right away he has an erection. Now this is starting to get really creepy. It's like he's role playing.

"LOOK! I'VE HAD IT. MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE BUS OR ELSE WE WON'T BE GOING ANYWHERE!" I scream at him.

Finally he moves to the back of the bus.

Sometimes, I hate being female.

So sorry for the lack of postings...

2009-08-17T03:38:00.000-07:00

If they start dating, they won't need to come up with pet names for each other

2009-07-23T15:47:00.001-07:00

Girl: It's funny, we talk all the time but I don't actually know your name.

Guy: I'm honey. Nice to meet you.

Girl: Likewise. I'm Daisy.

The good, the bad, and the ugly (passengers)

2009-07-03T03:38:00.000-07:00

THE GOOD

Male passenger: So you drive the bus in between modeling jobs?
Me: *very unlady like snort and hysterical laughter*

It was a nice compliment though. I must say I did drive around the rest of the night with a huge grin on my face.

THE BAD

A young girl comes running past me as I'm standing outside my bus. "We didn't even need to run, he's not in the bus" she says to her posse of friends. "It's she, and I'll be leaving in about ten minutes" I reply. Looking straight at me she says "HE must be taking another break. I swear bus drivers don't care about the schedule; all they want is more time to drink their coffee, eat their doughnuts and get fatter. It's not like it's a hard job. They don't even deserve breaks for what they do".

My opinion (which, sadly, was not voiced because I wasn't in the mood to lower myself to this chicks standards and/or pick a fight with her. It would be embarrassing for a seventeen year old cheerleader to start crying in front of her friends...oh, no, wait...don't they do that all the time?) Number one: she's confusing bus drivers with cops. Number two: driving, contrary to popular belief, is one of the hardest things on the human body. If we don't get out of the seat to stretch every once in a while we'll end up with back/knee/joint issues....hell it still happens when we do get out of the seat and stretch. Number three: dealing with rude, disrespectful people all day eventually will get to you. WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THE BUS AND TAKE TEN MINUTES TO OURSELVES OR WE WILL GO POSTAL ON THE NEXT PASSENGER THAT ACTS LIKE AN IDIOT!

THE UGLY

An extremely intoxicated man gets on board at the train station. He sits down and not even five seconds later he starts snoring. "Sir! Wake up and tell me where you're getting off" I ask. "uninteligible mumbling" he replies. "Look, you need to tell me where you're getting off. Once I get to the end of the line, there are NO more buses running until five in the morning. That means you'll be waiting outside for over two hours. Understand?" I say. He snores in response. "Fine. Just wanted to make sure we're clear" I say.

I call dispatch and explain I have a passenger passed out on the bus. The first thing they ask me is if I'm okay driving with him on board because if I'm not, they'll send someone out A.S.A.P. I assure them that I'm fine and they tell me to drive to my terminus point and then go up thirty blocks and that's where the calvary will meet me.

Once I get to the assigned meeting point, I see two supervisors waiting for me. As soon as they see me, they're like "You again. What's with you and problem passengers?" Is it a bad thing that supervisors, security and police all know me by name? It takes about ten minutes to get this guy woken up and off the bus. When asked where he was trying to get to, he replies "the train station (yes, the same one that he got on the bus at!!!) Apparently he just got on the bus to keep warm! Rule number one when you're drunk - don't get on a bus at 2:30 in the morning to keep warm, most likely you'll end up stranded in a location farther than where you want to be.

By the time I got back to the yard (ten minutes to get the drunk off the bus, plus an additional 60 blocks of driving) I was 25 minutes late. It's not that I mind getting the overtime, it's just that I was extremely exhausted and I wanted nothing better than to go home and ~~sleep~~ write this blog.

Passenger of the week weak

2009-06-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Drunk man: Have you seen my brother?
Me: Ummm.... Nope, can't say that I have.
Drunk man: He was on a bus.
Me (looking around the bus): Well, he's not on this one.
Drunk man: Okay, thanks man.

He then stands in the doorway for a minute.

Me: On or off. Make up your mind.
Drunk guy: Okay, I'm getting on. I'm supposed to meet my brother on a bus. Have you seen him?
Me: NO! Please go have a seat.
Drunk guy: I'm fine standing.
Me: No! Sit down before you fall down. This bus won't be moving until you're seated.
Drunk guy: But there aren't any seats.
Me (incredibly frustrated by this point and terribly behind schedule): Yes there are. I can see at least ten seats available. Sit down NOW!

He ~~walks~~ stumbles past about nine empty seats before finally selecting one at the very back of the bus. As I'm driving along, I notice more and more passengers moving towards the front of the bus away from the crazy drunk guy who is now talking to himself. As the bus starts to empty out, the crazy man slowly starts moving towards the front of the bus, one seat at a time. Eventually he's in the seat directly behind me.

Another passenger stands in the door and strikes a conversation with me before he exits the bus. "Not too many females that drive at night" he comments. "I know, but I prefer to work at night" I reply. "Get the fuck off the bus, we've all got places to go" the drunk man suddenly shouts out. "Sir. He has the right to speak. You cannot order someone off the bus. Besides we have plenty of time" I angrily respond. "Uh, I was, uh, just telling him to have a good night" the drunk guy says. I turn back to the other passenger when, much to my dismay, I find him walking quickly away from the bus. Scared off by the drunk, I reckon. Seeing as we're a couple minutes ahead of schedule by this time, I decide to get out of the bus and check to make sure all of the lights are in working order. By the time I get back on the bus, the drunk is yelling frantically at me claiming he's late to meet his brother.

Ha ha! Mission accomplished.