If I could turn back time....

I do believe that I have one of the best jobs in the world especially after a night like tonight...


It all started downtown. I had a fairly full bus; every seat was taken and there were a few standees. As usual, the bum to paying passenger ratio was quite high. I had a woman and a man sitting next to each other in the two seats closest to the front. Their conversation started out normally enough (I can't help it, I like to eavesdrop). They were discussing love and life and whether or not they would change anything in the past. "Oh my God, that reminds me of that song by Cher." The woman said. Suddenly without warning and in perfect unison (albeit slightly off-key) they broke out into "If I could turn back time". When they got to the part in the chorus "If I could reach the stars" they both stood up and reached with one arm towards the ceiling of the bus. I was quite amazed. I mean breaking out into song is one thing but to have choreographed movements as well. WOW!! Most people on the bus, including myself, were enjoying the performance but there were a few hecklers in the back (I'll get back to these guys later) telling them to shut up and so on and so forth. Seriously, what are you guys complaining about? You're getting free entertainment on your ride home! After they finished the song, the man stood up and said "That was dedicated to our wonderful, beautiful bus driver who got us all home safely. I was touched. Honestly. I'm not being sarcastic, it was pretty cool to have a song dedicated to me!


I notice that a man has fallen asleep in the seat. Now understand that this happens a lot especially as the weather is starting to cool down. It's normal to have people get on and sleep on the bus; the shelters are full, it's cold out and they don't want to sleep on the street. Turning the corner the man falls out of the seat and into the aisle. "Oh my goodness. Are you okay?" I ask. He snores in response. A couple of stops later, another passenger wakes him up by stepping over him to exit the bus. "Wha? Where are we?" he asks. I tell him our exact location. "Shit. I wanted to get off about fifty blocks ago" He says. He exits the bus at the next stop and crosses the street to catch the bus back to his original destination. I just hope he didn't fall asleep again!



A little while later a woman comes up to the front of the bus and asks me how to get to some obscure street that I've never even heard of. "I'm sorry, ma'am but I don't know where that street is." I informed her. "But you're a bus driver" she replied. Why on earth does everyone think that bus driver's know everything. We don't. It's a large city, it's almost impossible for us to know everything. Well she ranted and raved for a while about how useless and incompetent I was. Finally she says "So I just take that train and it'll take me to that street?" "Yes. that train will get you there" I reply. I know, I'm a terrible person for lying to her but you have to understand that she was very drunk and scary looking. If I continued to tell her that I didn't know she probably would have snapped and spat in my face or something. So in that situation, I'm thinking more about my safety and how I can get this potential problem off my bus without a situation arising out of it.


Later on I start to smell weed. There are about five people on my bus at this point, including the two guys at the back that did NOT appreciate the impromptu singing we had. Looking in my mirror I see the guys passing a joint back and forth. Immediately I pull over and inform them that they cannot smoke on the bus. "Yeah, and what are you going to do about it bitch?" the one guy asks. Before I can even reply the guy's friend says "c'mon let's go. If the cops find me, I'm going back to jail." and then pulls his friend off the bus. Whew! I seem to have luck on my side tonight! 


Continuing along, I notice on the side of the road, not one but two bumpers. One bumper, sure I can understand that, but two? How on earth did anyone lose both of their bumpers? Maybe they aren't even from the same car? But then why would the bumpers from two different cars be in the same location? hmmm... I'll save that mystery for scooby doo.




On my return trip, I stop and pick up one of my favorite bums. He gets on the bus with a cardboard box full of bouquets of red roses. "Oh, how nice, you brought me flowers" I joke. Actually, I thought of you immediately when I picked these up. You always give me a free ride and talk to me when no one else will, so I saved the most beautiful bunch for you." He tells me. "Really? Thank you." I reply. I then place the flowers on my dashboard so all of the other drivers will see them and be jealous. "I also wanted to make your boyfriend jealous" He jokes. Another passenger comes up and asks if he can have some flowers as well because he wants to impress his girlfriend. "I'll sell you a bouquet for five dollars" the bum says. "What? But you gave her a bunch for free" the man replies. "It's cuz she's pretty and you're not" the bum responds. Long story short, after much haggling the cheap man finally buys two bouquets for five dollars.



Getting back into the yard, I check my bus for lost property. To my amazement I find a hat, a bar menu, and three shirts. Now how did three people lose their shirts? Or a better question, how did I not notice three people exit the bus shirtless?



And that is why I drive a bus for a living. You don't get this kind of excitement with an office job. And people wonder how I survive without cable.