FYI

I'm going to be adding some posts from the past back in here, so please bear with me if you've already read them.

Fashion advice from the homeless? No thanks, I'd rather read vogue.

At a stop where I have a couple of minutes to kill, a bum comes on board. He's carrying, what seems to be the entire 1987 Sears womens collection. He pulls a pepto bismal pink coloured sweatshirt out of the massive bundle and offers it to me. "Sorry, but bubble gum isn't really my colour." I say. "But you could wear it over your uniform. It'd match perfectly." he replies. "Look, I prefer to NOT buy my clothing off the street" I state. "You're not buying it off the street. You're buying it from me at the bus stop." he replies. "Here's my final offer. NO!" I say.

Dejectedly he wanders around the bus picking up bits of paper and used transfers. As he comes back up to the front he leans down and picks up a newspaper in front of the farebox. Suddenly he grabs my ankle and asks "Are those stars on your socks?" "Don't touch the driver" I exclaim. "I just want to see your socks" he says. "Let go of my ankle NOW or you'll leave this bus missing an arm" I threaten.

Standing in the doorway he shouts "You're a fuckin' bitch!" "You've been talking to my ex-boyfriend, haven't you?" I reply.

My mom thinks I'm cool!

Friday night. Everyone's drunk except for me. For some strange reason, everyone thinks I'm the coolest bus driver out there. Why? Beats me. Maybe because I'm so laid back?

Some guys get on the bus and start taking off their clothes. One guy tells his friends to cool it or they'll get kicked off the bus. I get on the intercom and say "It's okay, you guys can strip just so long as you keep your skivies on." Then one guy comes up to me and remarks "You're really attractive, just not right now." OUCH! And I thought that drunk guys thought that every chick was hot?

I get to the point where I have a full standing load; I couldn't cram anyone else on even if I had a cattle prod. I make an announcement: "Squish in. Get close to someone you don't know. We're going for a new Guinness record. How many people can we fit in bus."

On my last trip (where I only go downtown and then back to the depot instead of out into the boonies), I make another announcement. "Can I have everyone's attention please? In case you didn't read the sign, this bus only goes downtown. If you need to get elsewhere, you're going to have to transfer buses. Let me know where you want to be and I'll direct you in the right direction. Now if anyone is drunk or has drank at least one drink, please remain seated at ALL times. If you stand up, you will fall and then I'll have to fill out paperwork and I really hate paperwork. So do me a favour, and keep your butt in the seat. If you're so intoxicated that you feel that you're going to puke, let me know BEFORE it happens and I will pull the bus over immediately and let you toss your biscuits. I'll even pull over in the middle of the bridge, that's how much I don't want you to puke on my bus. If anyone is asleep, you need to wake up now. This bus goes downtown and then back to the depot and if you wake up at the depot, it's not my fault and you're S.O.L. Thank you for your understanding and patience. Have a wonderful evening!"

I got a standing ovation for that announcement. I guess most drivers aren't so upfront about stuff? Or people are just drunk and thought I was trying to be funny? Either way, I didn't have any pukers or sleepers and everyone thought I was awesometastic! YEAH ME!!!

Smells like teen spirit

Normally, I drive the routes that go through the bad parts of town. As a result the clientele mostly consists of crack whores, bums, vagrants, winos, ex-cons, and everything in between. To say the least, the stench is unbearable. I drive with the windows open, fans on but that does little to combat the smell. Occasionally, I'll come home and my boyfriend will remark that I smell like I'm homeless.

If you haven't smelled this particular stench, you won't quite understand but I'll do my best to describe it to you. Combine the smell of a dump, a sewage treatment plant, sweaty gym socks, unwashed hair mixed with motor oil, stale alcohol that has begun to grow mold, cat urine, garbage, rotten food and any other obnoxious, revolting scent you can think of. That's what my bus would smell like and then it would permeate my clothing making me smell like that, hence why my boyfriend commented on my scent.

Over the last week, I've been driving a new route that takes me through the richer part of town. Seeing as it was Friday night everyone adopted their finery and bathed in perfume/cologne. It got so bad, that I felt like I was in a department store suffocating by way of Channel number 5. It got to the point where I almost wished for the homeless smell over the perfumed smell.

Unfortunately God hates me and heard my prayer. A homeless man got on the bus (he's actually gotten on everyday at the exact same time...8:37pm) carrying his bag containing a six pack of toilet paper. Everyday for the last week he's gotten on with his six pack of T.P. You know when your house/car/little brother gets toilet papered, and you wonder who did it? Well I've solved the mystery. It's this guy. Believe me.

Anyways, he gets on and immediately the bus smells like a overly perfumed dumpster. Why can't I just have a bus full of people who don't smell of anything? But like I previously mentioned, God hates me and wants to torture me.

Mission accomplished God. I survived this. What are you going to do next? Go ahead, try it, make my day!

Fish heads, fish heads, roly, poly fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!

Actual conversation between two males aged 30.

Guy 1: Who would you do if you could do any Disney character?

Guy 2: Mulan, definitely. She's hot and I like Asians. You?

Guy 1: Ariel from the little mermaid. I get ya on the Asian thing but I tend to go for the redheads.

Guy 2: Oh, yeah. I forgot about her, I'd do her too.

My internal thoughts: You guys do realise you're talking about a mermaid...meaning her lower half is a fish. She most likely has NO vagina...unless of course they're talking about her after she's turned into a human.... Wait a second, why am I even pondering this? We're talking about animated characters here.

Caution...this post contains profanity...more than my other ones

Guy getting off the bus: Thank you.

Me: Your welcome.

Guy: No! I said Fuck you! FUCK YOU!

Me: Well in that case, have a nice day.

Guy: Stop it! Stop being so fuckin' cheerful.

Me: I can't help it, it's in my nature.

Guy: Fuck you, you fuckin' fucker. Fuck! Why do I always get fuckin' stuck with these goddamn chipper fuckin' people? I hope your fuckin' bus crashes and you fuckin' die you stupid fuckin' fuck face!

Me: Bye!

And then I shut the doors and drove away before he could utter one more "FUCK".

I love my job so much! That's not sarcasm either. People often ask me how I can handle all the abuse that I get. Really, it's quite easy. I laugh at people in my head, pretend to be offended (so they'll feel satisfied in the insults they've given) and then go home and blog all about it!

Bus drivers are not hair dressers or bar tenders...we do not want to listen to your problems!

Guy: Hey, my girlfriend's mad at me. Can I ask you some advice?

Me: Ummm...I'm really not the best person to ask. I'm not a normal girl. I can't even remember the date my boyfriend and I started going out.

Guy (ignoring me): My girl's pregnant and she asked me to pick up all of this facial stuff for her but I had to go way out in the suburbs to get it. Now she's pissed because I'm coming home so late.

Me: Huh? I don't understand. She asked you to get stuff for her and you trekked way out there to get it, when you didn't have to and she's mad? She should be happy you made this long journey to get the stuff for her.

Guy: So should I get her a monkey or something?

Me: A real monkey?

Guy: No, a stuffed monkey.

Me: A stuffed animal? Aren't stuffed animals for kids?

Guy: Nah, girls love stuffed animals.

Me: Really? I'd punch a guy if he got me a teddy bear. I'd rather a case of beer. But like I mentioned before, I'm not the best girl to ask. Obviously you know her best, so you should do whatever you think will make her happy.

Guy: Thanks for the advice. You're a lifesaver.

Me: No worries.
Internal thoughts: Why the hell are you thanking me? I gave you no useful advice whatsoever.